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My Big Brother Who Was The Greatest Person I Ever Knew

by Anonymous

It has been 4 years since we lost my brother Darren. When I let myself think about him I still have an ache in my heart that is unbearable. I have no desire to see people beyod the necessity of work.

I have no one to talk to about this. The two people I am closest to are my parents but they too have had a struggle with Darren's death. He was their eldest son and their pride and joy.

My husband thinks 6 months of mourning is enough. He even once cut me off from bragging about what an amazing person Darren was. This was only after a few months after he died. My husband said he knows "how perfect my brother was," sarcastically. He was sick of hearing about it.

I have two young kids who bring me great joy. When I am with them I am fine. They really are my world and I dive into their activities and love every minute of that. When I am with them I am happy and normal. I take every possible opportunity to be alone though, and all I do is read and play solitaire and try not to think about anything, because everything reminds me of Darren. I just want to avoid that aching in me when I think of him.

I have been through the anger which was mostly directed at doctors who used him as a guinea pig for months trying to treat his cancer with experimental drugs and also at God for taking him at the age of 42 with a 4 year old son. I still find it hard to pray for real and only just started taking communion again at mass. I still feel phony for taking it though because I don't think I really believe in God anymore.

I have also been through the scatter brain stage. Now I just want to run away from my life most of the time.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. 42 is very young to die, and that makes the grief process more challenging.

I suggest that you try to contain your grief, by creating a ritual of honoring your brother from time to time, when the feelings are very strong. You will find the guidelines for that process on this page. This is a way of honoring your brother, and also honoring your own grief process. It will pass, and you will ultimately remember your brother with love and joy for having known him.

Then, the rest of the time, focus on the good things in your life. You're not trying to do this all of the time, just when the grief is not as strong. Fortunately, it does come in waves.

It sounds like your family held your brother in very high esteem, which always makes the grieving process more difficult. One way of healing is to focus on your own worth and value, now that your brother is gone. If you don't take him down off his pedestal, you will never be able to let him go. Be sure and look at his weaknesses and shortcomings, as well as his strengths. You are just as worthy as he was.

I wish you all the best in your healing and recovering process.

Dr. DeFoore

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