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My 20 Year Old Son Is Abusing Me And His Sister

by Anonymous

My son is 20. He's my older.child and my daughter/his full sister is 17. He is at best disrespectful; at worst violent.

My husband (his dad) lives with us. He works away from Sunday to Friday. My son has always had a temper from being a child. But as a teen he was expelled from school and is currently unemployed although he occasionally gets casual work . He lives at home .

To give an example, he was supposed to be at home yesterday to look after the dogs (one of which is his). He wasn't, and messed with his grandma about getting her to pay for a taxi to get him home from his friend's house.

Tonight he got a taxi home and just started shouting at me because I said he'd spent his Friday allowance on taxis. He was outside smoking weed. He shouted at me.

His friend asked him to calm down. He wouldn't. Twice in the past year I've had to call the police as he was smashing up the house and threatening me and my daughter. He's also been barred from local pubs and been attacked and stabbed.

My husband has said he won't throw him out and my son is aware of that. Please help - it's horrible, but I still love him.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Your situation is very difficult, and you’re wise to reach out for help. You’re not alone, as you will see from reading other stories about problems with adult children.

From my 40 years of experience as a counselor, I can tell you that I’ve never seen a situation such as yours improve until the adult son moves out on his own. There is no guarantee that he will do well on his own, but there is a better chance of him succeeding than if he continues to live with his parents.

You’re not doing him any favors by letting him stay in your home, be irresponsible, and abuse you. You’re sending him the message that you see him as handicapped, and in need of his parents’ support. He will resent this, and possibly already does...which would at least partially explain some of his behavior.

I think you also have a marital issue to address. Your husband is not protecting you and your daughter. Stating that he will not remove your son from your home actually gives your son permission to do whatever he wants and get away with it. This just won’t work. The very best chance your son has of getting his life in order is moving out of your home.

Meanwhile, as you proceed to take what you consider to be the next best step, believe in the best of your son, your husband and yourself. Set your heart and mind on the intention of creating the best possible outcome for all concerned. The worst choice you can make is to do nothing and allow this to continue.

Keep your focus on the best outcome for all, and take one positive step at a time. You will succeed.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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