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My 20 Year Old Son Has A Son He Does Not See

by K

I am a single mother of a 20 year old son who has been abusing me since he was 14. It was very difficult when he was 14 through 16. He abused me verbally and physically.

I had him arrested once. He was doing marijuana and Spice. He doesn't even remember hurting me or knocking me down, because he was on drugs. He no longer hurts me physically but abuses me verbally when he gets angry and usually it's when he feels out of control. At least that's what I think.

When he was 16 he met a girl in the psych ward and she told him that she was 16 as well. When he got out they met up and had sex. He had been a virgin and knew that she was promiscuous and he saw her twice just for sex. She got pregnant and says it's my son's child, but he has nothing to do with the child to this day.

I believe a lot of his anger stems from this. He also throws things, destroys things that are mine, and takes my phone away from me. He says things that he knows will hurt me the worst, and then apologizes after a few days. He gets me so upset because he hits below the belt.

I engage and the yelling and screaming, which I know is wrong. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but usually it occurs when I try to talk to him about his son. I refuse to not acknowledge my grandson and he gets very angry about that also. I have my grandson over to visit but only when my son is at work.

I want to change things and be stronger. My health is not good at all. It hasn't been, ever since I've had cancer twice. I am 58 and he is 20. I just don't have the energy for this type of exchange between us. It also makes me very mentally upset and takes a toll on me physically as well.

We've tried counseling but he won't go. As soon as he is asked to take responsibility for his actions he gets ticked off and leaves. I don't know how to deal with him anymore…I need help. I've been to counseling with many different people and they don't help me.

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Apr 29, 2016
Setting Boundaries May Be Needed
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello K - I know you love your son, and you would like to have a good relationship. You may want to consider that your only option at this point is to separate yourself from him entirely, until he is ready to consistently treat you with respect.

As painful as it may be, you may also have to leave the issue of his son up to him. You could unintentionally be making things worse with your involvement...bringing it up to your son and seeing your grandson without his father's knowledge.

Read this page on personal boundaries to learn some steps to take.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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