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Mother And Daughter Relationship

by Anonymous

So for my entire life my mom has been bitter about my dad leaving her for someone else when I was younger. This has allowed my mother to be distant from my life experiences and things I am really interested in because my dad’s family is involved.

I have been emotionally abused by my mother since I was 10 years old. All my life she talks about her life and how terrible it is and how hard she struggles and I've sympathized for her. But she is cruel towards my other family and negatively talks about them to me any chance she gets.

Then when I got older she groups me with my family and says how cruel I am to her when truly I have done nothing wrong. My childhood was very overwhelming to the point where I had to make the decisions myself to choose one family over the other in certain situations and that was hard for me.

Now I am 21 years old and I realized how much that abuse affected me. I cannot make decisions alone, I am constantly insecure about myself and I always try to please my mother no matter what. I care about all of my family because that is an important part of me.

My mother and I are close but every time we talk it's the same situation. She talks about her struggles and all the bills she has to pay, she's patronizing, and misunderstanding with my dad’s family. And when I want to talk about my life and certain things I am doing or decided to do, she puts me down or picks a fight with me or doesn't have the time or just doesn't agree at all.

And every time we fight she blames me for the whole thing and blames me for her life being so terrible and goes into victim mode like she has done nothing wrong. Things have evolved since I was a kid but it is all the same.

But I love my mom so much and I don't want to just cut her off. Over the years I've tried to explain to her what she is doing but she later just goes back to the same ways.

How can I get her to be positive? How can I get my life together? Can my mother and I have a true relationship?

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Jul 21, 2017
Answers To Your Questions
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for telling your story here.

I'll start by answering your questions.

1) You ask how can you get her to be can't. Nobody can. This isn't just true about your mother. Nobody changes until and unless they decide to for their own never happens because somebody else wants them to.

2) You ask how you can get your life together. I'm not sure you can as long as you continue to allow your mother to emotionally abuse you. You will need to become emotionally independent of your mother in order to get your life together.

3) You also asked if you and your mother can have a true relationship. I'm not sure what you mean by a true relationship, but you will need to make some changes in order for the relationship to be healthy and no longer destructive.

Read this page on personal boundaries and begin creating healthier boundaries in your relationship with your mother.

If you continue to sympathize with her and try to be close to her while she continues to be emotional abusive, things are only going to get worse.

You have to decide that your own life and needs come first, then when you feel like you're getting your own life together, perhaps you can create a healthier relationship with your mother.

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