Now Available! Dr. DeFoore's New Book GOODFINDING
(San Joaquin County)
I am 21 Years old and I am a Polysomnograph tech. I have been with my girl friend for 5 years now, since high school. I sometimes get angry by thinking about how much work I do or put up for her and sometimes it feels like she doesn't appreciate it. Sometimes I just lack sleep or food and get cranky.
I have snapped on her in the past by raising my voice and kicking something. I have controlled my yelling or outbursts by just not caring sometimes but I don't know if that is healthy. I haven't yelled at her in a few months but I have been giving a grumpy tone to her which is why we are on a break and she says she wants time alone to think about us. Please ask me any questions relating to this because I don't know what you want to know or need to know.
Few things to list about me:
I was raised by my mother and my father left us when I was only 2-3.
We were never wealthy until last few years we have had some money.
We have been remodeling our house mostly by doing the work ourselves, which has taken time out of my day to spend with her.
I have been saving a lot of money for a house for me and my girlfriend to live in once we marry.
I haven't been going out with her much recently either just working, sleeping, and going over to her parents house to see her for a few hours and that's it.
I feel like I don't want to spend money on dates so we can buy a house sooner, but I realized if I don't go out on dates with her then whats the point of having a house if she wouldn't be there living with me and I realized this just last night.
Thank you for reading!
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for your story. It is good that you are asking these questions, and taking a look at yourself. That is happening because you want to be a good person, and have a good relationship.
It is good that you stopped yelling at her, and you're right about not caring as a strategy--that's not a healthy choice for you or the relationship. So, now let's clear up this "grumpy tone" thing, so you'll be better company for the woman you love.
You obviously love your girlfriend very much, and that's why you want to marry her and get your house in great shape for the two of you to be together. The thing is, you're not showing her how much you love her.
Here is what I recommend:
1) You have to take good care of yourself--meaning, if you're tired, overworked, etc. you will not be the kind of company you want to be for your true love. Besides that, you need to love yourself at least as much as you love her--so be good to you.
2) Start a daily journaling process where you write down all of the things you love and appreciate about your girlfriend. Keep your focus on all of her positive aspects, in order to keep your love alive and the grumpy tone at bay.
3) When you're with her, treat her as your "honored guest. You want her to know just how much you love and appreciate her at all times. Never, ever take her for granted.
4) Work on your anger with these journaling practices.
5) If you have unaddressed trauma in your own past, use these imagery exercises for emotional healing. You can use this to help with the healing of the loss of your father when you were 2-3, for example. It will help you be a good father to yourself.
If you do each of the above completely and consistently, you will get great results. These are tools, and they only work if you use them.
My very best to you,
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