Lost Two Wonderful Men In One Year Due To My Insecurity And Anger
(London, United Kingdom)
After a long journey of trying multiple meditation techniques, seminars, etc. and having ended 2 relationships with 2 great men in the course of less than 12 months, I have very slowly come to the conclusion that what I really have is an anger management problem.
And once I accepted this, I have tried to find what lies at the core of that anger problem and I believe it is the "abuse" that I suffered in my childhood from my constantly angry mother and the lack of protection (as I perceived it) from my passive father.
I have a bit of an issue to term it as abuse, for I have a wonderful relationship with both my parents and I am fully aware that they both did and continue to do everything in their hands for both my sister and myself. I could not wish for better parents.
However, what I now start to understand is that as a child, seeing my mother always angry, towards me and towards my father, many times including physical violence and most of the time quite strong insults, made me at some point vow to never again let myself be vulnerable, and I started myself becoming hostile towards others on the theory that "a good offense is the best defense".
My question is, how can I help myself open and release the fear of vulnerability that is essential to come close to others?
Thanks very much for any light you can shed on this.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Jaione, and thanks so much for telling your story here. It is apparent to me that you are an intelligent woman, and want to be well and happy.
I think the following processes will be very helpful to you:
1. Write your story in full detail, as described on this page. Then do the other journaling exercises recommended there as well.
2. Next use these imagery processes for emotional healing, to allow you to bring resolution to your past trauma.
3. And here is a process for emotionally releasing your parents (you can do this before or after step 2, according to what feels right to you):
a) Write down all of the ways in which you are like your mom and your dad. Look at that list and ask yourself if there's any of those qualities or behaviors you want to keep. In other words, choose what you like from the list.
b) Then write down all of the ways you are different from your mom and dad. These are the things that make you unique as an individual. Look at this list, and choose what you like from it.
c) Make a third list, that includes only those things you like from the above two lists.
d) Next, picture both of your parents in front of you. Thank them both for all of the good things they've done for you, leaving nothing out. Then tell them both about the things you didn't like. Get it all out, and write it down--but picture their faces while you're writing. Now tell them, "I'm not your child any more. I'm a grown woman, and I take total responsibility for myself. It is time for me to take charge of my life and make my own decisions, without your influence." Then, when you feel a sigh of relief in your body, say "Goodbye" to them and let their images fade.
I do not suggest you say these things directly to your parents, unless that absolutely feels like the right thing to do. This is just for you.
4. Now, create a detailed image of the kind of man you want to be with. Write out a full description of him, and get a mental picture in your mind. Then, when that is all clear, imagine what it will be like to be with this ideal man. Feel it. Keep focusing and refocusing on what you want, and move toward that with your mind and heart as if you knew for sure that you would have it--and you will.
I hope this helps. Feel free to write a follow up to let me know how these methods work for you.
My very best to you,
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