I can't exactly say when I started feeling this way, all I know is that I took an overdose of tablets. I just couldn't face the tomorrows anymore. The worst is that whenever I do it, I feel as if I am watching a movie, not really me in other words.
I have a gift whereby I am able to just block out memories, good or bad. It happens more than often, and I lose days. I have been told that I am looking for attention, and yet no one has ever asked why I have given up.
I am just so useless, worthless and dead inside, I don't even do the things I once enjoyed. All I want to do is sleep and never see tomorrow. I have now also learned to say the words my family needs to hear, "I am fine, on top of the world," when all I see is myself standing in front of a cliff waiting for the right moment to jump to freedom, not to feel so useless and like a coward anymore.
All I know is that my kids are so much better off without me. I can't even take care of them. I fear that I will do something to myself or worse, to them, when I have these missed moments/black-outs.
It has happened before when I did something reckless and they were asleep. I woke up in bed, not my own, can't remember how I got there or what happened.
I am taking an anti-depressant but I still feel the same. It's as if these feelings will always remain with me.
It's so bad that I am my worst enemy and no one even knows my thoughts.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Candy, and thanks for telling your story here. I sincerely hope that you can get the help you need. I am very limited as to what I can offer here, but I will do what I can. Ideally, you could find someone you trust and begin some an indepth counseling relationship.
The symptoms you are describing are serious, as you probably know. I suggest you contact a crisis hotline in your area, and call them if you feel like taking your life.
You mention that you don't do the things you once enjoyed, and that you've given up. Writing your story here is an effort to get help, so you have not given up entirely, and that's very, very good. Although you don't feel it or know it, your life is worthwhile, and you are a good person. And you are loved.
I assure you that your children would not be better off without you. I have worked with individuals whose parent committed suicide, and believe me, that is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a person. So, please don't fool yourself by believing they would be better off without you.
I don't know if you can get yourself to do it, but I strongly encourage you to journal your thoughts and feelings. Use all three journaling processes described on this page, ideally every day. There is no guarantee that this will give you what you need, but it's worth a try. The anger journaling is especially important, since depression is often connected with suppressed anger--therefore, expressing the anger could help you to heal from your depression.
There is a good, strong, healthy person inside you, Candy. The journaling process and the healing it offers will bring that person to the forefront.
I will pray for you, Candy. You are worthy and worthwile, and I hope you begin to feel and experience that soon. Please reach out to anyone in your life that you trust in the least little bit. And see if there are any counselors in your area that you would be willing to talk to.
Please don't give up on the precious soul that you are.
My very best to you,
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