I've Lost Tthe Love Of My Life Because Of My Rage
I suppose punishing myself by constantly breaking up and raging at the love of my life was my own doing. Maybe I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. We're both 46 and I was getting out of a long term marriage when we became involved. A marriage, I might add, that had not been fraught with the sort of rage I currently experience. Of course, I've also never know the exquisite passion and beauty of a love affair like this ever before in my life (I feel silly saying that at my old age :)
My lover and I have been together a year and a half. The circumstances of our initial involvement weren't ideal but we've had some magnificent times and brought out the best in each other. We had plans to marry and work more together.
I recently learned that during the first few months of our courtship he was carrying on with some other women. Not physically (as they didn't live in our state) but via Internet. However, for over a year he had no contact with them because he realized he wanted exclusivity with me so without acknowledgment or fanfare, he simply cut off contact with them. Unfortunately I found out about this just recently (about 3 months ago). The rage from betrayal consumed me even more. I've also been somewhat insecure in the relationship despite his best efforts to console me and be transparent. Maybe its my own guilt at starting a relationship while still married. I've never done anything this immoral.
The cycle you indicate in the diagrams fits me to a T. In addition, I'm the eldest from an abusive alcoholic home (dad was military and PD) that had sexual assault as well.
The catalyzing moment was 2 weeks ago when my lover's brother arrived in town. Prior to his brother's arrival, my lover and I had a wonderful, loving morning. By late afternoon, not having seen my lover, I felt the rage sinking me like quicksand. Before I knew it and within hours, I had blocked him from facebook, and gone to his house to collect my things with a police escort no less! The fury was fast, frightening and resulted in the most painful breakup of my life. It was also humiliating and astounding to him. He couldn't understand what on earth precipitated this. Truth be told, I don't really know either other than feeling left out.
This destructive pattern has escalated in the past 2 years after the death of my mother (that was a trying relationship). I'm currently estranged from my siblings because of this love affair I had (though it was discreet as possible). I'm trying to own my behavior. I hate myself. I've been going to therapy but I think I really need someone who understands rage. It's so isolating. You think you're crazy and I am when my body and mind go on overdrive, its a run away train.
So in a nutshell, I'm ashamed and so profoundly sad at having lost the trust and potential of my lover that I know I cannot continue like this. It will kill me and ruin me and those I love including my two sons. Please offer advice. I'm willing to do what it takes to slay this demon that has gotten the best of me.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Sharon, and thanks for telling your story here. You are obviously an intelligent woman with the best of intentions, and I really hear you about how much pain you're in. I want to encourage you to go easy on yourself. Even though you don't like your behavior and your extreme reactions, that doesn't mean you're bad. You have good reason for what you feel, and the more you understand those reasons, the better for you.
Do the journaling exercises on this page, and you will find a lot of benefit. This will help you review your past trauma, contain your anger, and focus your mind in a positive direction.
Also, use these imagery processes for emotional healing to resolve your past emotional trauma.
You can do this, Sharon. Believe in yourself, and make up your mind that you are going to create the life you choose for yourself.
My very best to you,