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In Sickness And In Health

by Lee
(Texas)


I love my husband and family more than anything. My husband and I have not been married a year yet, but we have been in a relationship for almost 13 years.

He is verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive towards me. He has always been like this but not as bad as it is now. We found out last year we were pregnant, got married, renovated a home and began our life together.

He stopped being abusive all together once we found out we were pregnant. Had no issues with anger toward me, not abuse at all. ER did find out he was sick and that this does have an effect on anger management, enraged behavior and increased testosterone (like 500% normal levels).

Once the baby was born the abuse began again. Now I am not perfect, I have done hurtful things to him financially to us but not by ill will, but trying to get us in our home we were renovating. I made mistakes, I have owned them and work every day to gain his trust back and fix it. In the past four months our baby has been born my husband’s abuse and control issues have escalated to extreme.

He forced me to quit my job and put all my savings into our joint account. Now he won’t let me have any credit cards, debit cards or access to money without his permission and receipt because he says I spent too much money. He constantly screams at me over anything in front of our 6 month old daughter, calls me terrible names in front of her, has cut, broken and ruined my belongings.


He has hit me while I’m holding her, pinned me down in a bed while she was sleeping in it. Has attacked me both verbally and physically in front of her. He never apologizes. He always threatens divorce. Currently he took all money from me, says I need to return his car to him where I wouldn’t have a car, he smashed my phone to the ground so I have no phone and says he wants a divorce which is says all the time to me.

He wants his child but he left her sitting on the couch by herself the other day with no clue that she could easily crawled off and cracked her head. He has never changed a diaper ever, and has never watched her alone. He comes from a very well off family and if this were to pursue to divorce I am scared that I have nothing and his family will come after me and take my baby away.

I have no access to get food, gas or anything other than through my parents. I refused to give the car back because I need it for my daughter. He sees no wrong in how he talks to me, treats me, breaks me down, or anything. I have noticed that every blow up or incident has some connection to control over me.

He tells me to not talk back to him or go upstairs like a child. Then a few days later he acts like nothing happened and when I bring it up he says he knows and doesn’t want to talk about it. I am hurting because I do believe this is caused by his illness and I want to be here for him and support his path to wellness but I am breaking down.

I am hurting and I cannot live like this and I hate that he does this in front of our child. She should never see or hear this and I have asked him over and over again to stop yelling and calling me names in front of her and it only makes him do it more. One day he hates me and wants a divorce and the next day he wants another baby.



I hurt for my husband and family and I work my every day and night to manage our household, take care of our baby, clean our home, feed him 3-4 meals a day, manage his healthcare needs, do all the laundry, dishes, take out all the trash, take care of two dogs, take care of the cars, bills, etc. my list does not stop.

He says I need a job to contribute financially and that I am fat and need to workout but when and how am I supposed to do this. He made me quit an amazing job. He won’t work for a salary, he just lives off dividends and a trust, yet he wants me to do all this and work and financially support us.

I don’t understand why everything is my duty, why I’m responsible for everything and I get treated like trash. There are some days he doesn’t get out of bed, or he just works out, lays out by the pool and sits in a sauna. Then I have to serve him meals every day and not even a thank you, just “this food is gross” and comments like that.

There are days I don’t have time to eat, but he isn’t concerned. He just says I am playing the victim and he provides a multimillion dollar home, a car, and everything we need and that I do not contribute at all.

But I do everything. He eats breakfast in bed every day. If I don’t provide it then the day is ruined. If I talk back I risk being thrown out with my daughter to stay at my parents. He says he is getting help from his medicine but he needs more help than that.

He won’t listen to me and I am not, no matter what willing to walk away from him or my family or my marriage. I just want to help him, help us and build trust, happiness and wellness but I cannot let my daughter grow up around this.

What can I do? How can I keep doing this? I cannot leave him, he is sick and I love him and I want him healthy. But there is no excuse for the things he has done and how he treats me daily. He won’t listen. He won’t try.

I need advice on how I can help get our family while again, how I can open his eyes to see how much I do contribute and how this can affect our innocent baby. This really is the vow I took “in sickness and in health” for “richer or poorer.” I need help.

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Nov 17, 2017
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You Need To Think Very Seriously About This
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Lee - Thanks for telling your story here. I'm going to be very direct with you, because I think it's important.

You've made it clear that you don't want to leave your marriage. While that is admirable, you need to think about some things:

1) Based on my 40+ years of experience as a marriage counselor, I can assure you that your situation is going to get worse as long as you stay and tolerate this abuse.

2) You are in a battered wife syndrome. You are so deep in it that I'm sure you cannot see it.

3) Your child is being hurt, a lot more than you are. You have adult defense mechanisms, and your baby has nothing...except you. It is your job to protect your child, and I think you're in a situation where your responsibility to protect your child (not to mention yourself) is greater than your responsibility to stay loyal to your wedding vows.

4) Your husband has broken your vows, I assure you. This is not love...please understand that. When there is a genuine love between two people, they do not treat each other like this.

5) His behavior is not because of an illness. There is no illness that explains or justifies the kind of abuse he is perpetrating on you. You cannot help him. If you don't believe me, you're going to discover that for yourself. Only he can help himself, and it doesn't seem that he's very committed to that.

I encourage you to contact a woman's shelter and an attorney as soon as possible to explore your options. The attorney can tell you about your rights, and hopefully reassure you about your future.

Please take action on your behalf, and the behalf of your child, Lee. Please. You ca

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