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I'm Too In Love To Leave

by Mary Jane

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months. He is 9 years older than me and has an 18 year old son who he works with. If anything goes wrong then he either shouts and swears at me or his son.

His moment of release will effect me for hours/ days. I become withdrawn, nervous, angry and he says, "Oh, why are you in a mood? You're not still angry are you?" If I try to discuss things it makes things worse.

I try to understand from his upbringing (his dad left when he was young and had affairs, he has fallen out with most of his family) but I'm bored of making excuses.

The most recent example; we were driving to his friend's wedding where I knew no one. He didn't plan the route and didn't get up early ( I did). We were late, he blames me. I said, scared, "Our luggage on the back seat, shall we put it in the boot?" He replied shouting in front of the church "what the f*** do you think? Someone will smash the window!"

I switch off at this point, put up a guard and have to spend 24 hours pretending everything is fine. Then I am withdrawn and am dying on the inside. I leave him in my head, but can't bare to lose him. He does have his good points.

He's from a totally different background to me. He has money, but this seems to come first to him as he's no family. To me, family and love are everything! At the moment he is not speaking to me. I don't know whether it is the end.

I have lots going for me and will not let a man stop me from doing what I want. I try to compromise but I'm scared of the hurt I've experienced in the past. We also live apart and only see each other at weekends. Any advice would be great, because I don't like to give up easily, I'd rather fix something I care for than leave it and forget it happened!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Mary Jane, and thanks for telling your story here. The most important thing is for you to take good care of yourself and make sure you're creating a good life for you. I know that's difficult in an troubled relationship, but it's still the most important thing.

Here is a page on this site that will help you: how to deal with abusive relationships.

I also recommend that you read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, and ideally get your boyfriend to read it too. Either way, you read it, and you will benefit greatly.

You are worthy of respect, and you need to respect yourself. As long as you allow anyone to treat you disrespectfully, you will not respect yourself. You sound like you're definitely in a battered woman syndrome, and I highly recommend that you follow the recommendations on the above referenced pages.

Believe in yourself, and make your own well being your top priority.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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