I'm Tired Of My Boyfriend's Angry Outburts And Verbal Abuses

by Cecile
(Florida)

I'm 23 years old and the story I'm going to tell is very shocking. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last 4 years. In the beginning it was going alright. But I came to know that he had a neglected childhood and got bullied a lot in school.

He had anger issues and sometimes he said insulting things to people as jokes and I was embarrassed most of the time because these people all happened to be my friends. When I told him not to say such things he used to flare up and most of the time I used to keep quiet to avoid fights. He was arrogant and very disrespectful sometimes.

But things got worse when I found out that I was pregnant in spite of using precaution. We had an abortion but later he blamed me and said that it was my fault and went to the extent of saying that I got pregnant on purpose to trap him into marriage. This hurt me so much and I was spiraling into a depression. I was suicidal and I had no one to talk to.

He got very abusive one day and called me a slut and started hitting me and beat me up black and blue and punched my face and even tried to strangle me. He stopped it when I screamed at him to stop acting like an animal. His parents too knew about his behaviour because he was shouting at them and blaming them for how he was now.

He even used to come very late at night where I was staying with my girlfriends and I was embarrassed a lot and started isolating myself in my room. One night I felt I could take it no longer and called up my mom ( I live in a different city for studies and my mom didn't even know I was in a relationship) and told her that my boyfriend was depressed and going through a very bad time and I even told her about the abortion and that I was suicidal except the part that he was hitting me.

I knew she was heartbroken but she tried to calm me down and told me that everything would be alright. When I told my boyfriend that I had talked to my mom about this because I had nobody to share my pain with, he didn't say anything angry or asked me why I mentioned the abortion to her. In fact he looked relieved that my mom wasn't angry with us or something.

But again after a few days he brought it up and said that I was trying to trap him while in fact I was the one who was feeling trapped. After every fight he would break up with me and tell me to get lost and to stop ruining his life and I would say I was sorry. He blamed my friends and said that they disrespect him and laugh at him because he was badly dressed and not happy and that they are judgmental about our relationship.

This went on for a long time. One day when he said he wanted to break up with me I said it was a good decision and hung up the phone. He called later many times but I didn't pick up. We were broken up for a year and I was very angry and cursed him a lot. But slowly I started liking life once more. I was beginning to be happy.

I knew he was going out with a girl but they broke up and some months later he called me up and said that he wanted to meet me and to give him a chance once again and that he was sorry for everything he had done. Said he wanted to make up for what he did wrong and to keep me happy. In the beginning I ignored him and told him that it was not gonna work on me. But he was so changed and he was not angry anymore at anything.

He was loving and said that I was the best girl for him and we started going out again and we fell in deep love. I never could believe that he would be so changed. Everything was alright and but sometimes I could see that he still had some haunting memories of his childhood neglect and I avoided certain subjects around him.

It went on like this for about a year when things started going bad again. This time because my brother and my boyfriend don't like each other. Even though my brother doesn't like him that much he at least behaves civilly but my boyfriend openly shows it and tells me that my brother is a loser. My brother has a problem of drug abuse, lies a lot and is divorced.

Even though I know my brother isn't that great of a guy I feel really bad when he talks like this. He is particularly angry about the fact that my brother complained about him to my mom. Now, my boyfriend is blaming my broken family and my brother and to solve the "problem" I caused which is that my mom doesn't like him now anymore and because I had told her about the abortion and now my brother complained, things are gonnna be awkward. I told him that I cannot fix what happened in the past and that I was tired of his outbursts and we said goodbye to each other.

We fight like this about once a month but when we make up everything is perfect once again. I have a feeling that we are gonna get back together once again. But I don't want to face another fight again. I love him a lot and he loves me too but these fights are killing the relationship. Please help me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Cecile, and thanks for telling your story here. It is apparent that you've got a lot going on. I will try to help.

First, let's focus on your healing. I suggest that you do the jouraling processes on this page to deal with your own past trauma, including the emotional pain of your abortion. Use these imagery processes for emotional healing to further your healing from that, and any other past emotional trauma.

Believe in and care for yourself, Cecile. If you don't, no one else can. Make up your mind to create a good life for yourself, and do not stay in any relationship where you are treated with disrespect.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Mar 19, 2016
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It Only Gets Worse
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you are going through this situation. I have to tell you, from my experience, things do not get better. They get worse. Since the abuse (and yes, it is abuse) has crossed over to physical abuse, it will happen again, and again, and again. Google the abuse cycle and you will see, there is a pattern to abuse (honeymoon, tension building, explosion, etc). It's not going to get better. With each repetition through the abuse cycle, the honeymoons will grow shorter and shorter, until there is little good left.

People mistakenly believe physical abuse is the worst. Emotional abuse and verbal insults are just as damaging to your self esteem than physical is to your body. The only thing is, you can't see the effects of the emotional abuse until they start to build. Depression, PTSD, anxiety, destroyed self concept, isolation, and even a deterioration in health are ALL consequences of emotional and verbal abuse. Your body can heal from the physical abuse. The bruises will fade. The broken bones will heal, but the effects of emotional and verbal abuse last so much longer.

My advice, and this comes from 7 long years in a relationship with an abuser, is to get out. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this person or relationship. It will only grow worse in time and one day, you will look back and wish you would have been able to get out sooner. Ask any abuse victim what they regret the most. Chances are, they will say, "I wish I would have gotten out sooner."

Love yourself enough to save your life and don't waste precious time on someone so destructive. He won't get any better. The honeymoon grows shorter each time. I wish for you the best as you get through this. It's going to be tough to get out, maybe the hardest thing you will ever do, but it will be the best thing once you move on.

Feb 09, 2015
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Trauma Addiction
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry you are suffering. There is a way to end this suffering.

You need to become educated about how your body responds to stress in order to understand why you have not left this boyfriend yet.

When the body experiences a trauma--any overwhelming or frightening experience---the body releases its own opioids, pain killers, to protect against the situation. This release produces calm.
So, trauma leads to release of internal chemical that produces good feelings. It's a paradox.

People can actually become addicted to traumatizing situations (such as relationship abuse) because unconsciously they are seeking this opiod release, just as a drug addict seeks the high from using a drug. You are addicted to the relationship. It is hard for you to give it up for the same reasons that it is hard for a drug addict to give up drugs.

Your beliefs reinforce the addiction, such as the belief that he will change or that if you behave differently he will change. But these are just the addiction's way of tricking you into staying in the relationship, of resubmitting to the trauma, to induce the opiod release. You can't change other people's behavior. You can only change your own thoughts and behavior. But it takes hard work. Don't let hard work scare you. The rewards are enormous, if you put in the work to be well.

When people stop taking their drug, or in this case leave an abusive relationship, it feels physically and emotionally painful, because of the withdrawal. The body is used to getting that "high" that follows conflict, and when the conflict no longer comes, it is not getting it. But this feeling will pass if you actively seek recovery.

You can go to Co-dependent anonymous or Al-Anon for a recovery program and extremely important group social support. You must also replace the abusive relationship with positive stress relievers, such as aerobic exercise that produces endorphins, mindfulness meditation, and creative or performing arts expression. This recovery process will help you rebuild your self-respect and help you learn about healthy relationships and taking responsibility for your life.

You may also wish to see a counselor to help you in the process.

Vicious verbal abuse (not heated disagreements, but name calling, swearing at someone, etc.) and physical violence are not normal. They are as dangerous to your health and safety as heroin or crack cocaine. You do not need to subject yourself to these behaviors. To continue to allow yourself to be subjected to these things is damaging to yourself. You have the right to leave.

This man has shown you who he is. A violent and abusive person. Believe him.

You cannot help him. But you can help yourself.

Reach out for help, and walk toward the gentle loving life that is waiting for you.

Oct 07, 2014
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Boyfriend Anger
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to the previous person, she has to get away from him. I moved in with my boyfriend, at first we laughed, went out, he was kind and loving.

Once I moved in and he was paying the rent since I am unemployed holy hell broke loose. I Googled his behavior and he has IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He takes everything out of context, uses verbal abuse and insults constantly. I on the other hand, have decided that enough is enough.

The thought of us being physical turns me off, I do not want him to touch me. I have moved on and I'm glad I found out he had an underlying motive to wanting us to be together -- my income.

Move on girl, get a new life and find someone that will love you for you. I love myself too much to late this man, take away my happiness and verbally abuse me.

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