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I'm Starting College And Angry At My Mother
I'm usually a happy person and I sometimes manage to ignore some of the things people do to hurt me. But when I feel it's been repeated plenty of times then I get really mad, like uncontrollably.
I have never gone to the point of hitting someone except with my sister. I've gotten a bit better than I was earlier on. I have gone through so much and as a kid my mom said she could see the anger in me especially in my relationship with my sister. But as I grew it changed and now I can't see myself living without her even though we fight sometimes and it can get bad.
But today was the worst and it was with my mum. If there's one person I love with all my heart and life it's my mum. But she sees me as the immature one even though I'm the oldest between me and my sis, and she sees as if I can't control my anger even though I've shown control multiple times. But she doesn't let me hear the end of it.
So this morning she told me to do something. I had just woken up so I was little upset and I told her why can't my sister do it. After arguing we agreed to something and I was a little irritated. Then she saw me doing something and started picking on me and I got so irritated but I did what she wanted and she kept nagging me.
It's like she sees I'm mad and she keeps going annoying me. So I excused myself and I said I'm going to do my bed and she was like okay go ahead. And she said that I can see you're mad. I was so mad and I shouted at her I'm going to make my bed. Then she said you know, 'you can kill me...you're the type.' And I told her thank God I won't. I don't think she understands how much I try you know. And for to even think I can kill her is so hurtful.
But I was wrong for shouting at her. And at the moment she's not even talking to me. Problem is now I can't be away from her because I'm going to a university here and she wants me to be home. But I can't stand to see myself shouting at her. What do I do? I'm worried.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I respect the integrity you show in your writing, and how well you express yourself. I will try to help.
First, I suggest that now that you're an adult, you start taking charge of your life. You say you love your mum with all your heart and life--you need to love yourself that much. It is time for you to start coming first in your life. You will find some exercises on this FAQ page that will help you let go of your mother emotionally. This is very important. I also suggest that you do whatever you can to live on your own, apart from her.
You will also find some help for your anger on this page. Follow all of these guidelines, and you will gain some control and start to feel better about yourself and your emotions.
Believe in yourself, and focus on creating a good life for yourself. Pleasing your mother is not your job any more. As long as you're in her house you must go by her rules, and I suggest that you always treat her with respect. But you're not a child any more, and that may be a part of the intense anger you're feeling toward your mother--a part of you really does not want to be under her authority and control any more.
I'm sure your mother is a good person, but she has a negative image of you. Do not accept her definition of yourself. You get to decide who and how you are.
I hope this helps. Believe in yourself, and create a good, happy life for yourself. You can do it.
My very best to you,
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