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I'm Being Accused Of Something I Didn't Do

by Anonymous

My boyfriend would accuse me of looking at other guys, while I'm with him. But I don't. I realize this stems from past trust issues that we've had.

But lately he would just stop talking to me and I wouldn't even know why. I have been with him long enough to know when he's mad and I know. And what he tells me is he stops talking to me to give me a taste of what the pain is like.

But I have never intentionally hurt him. (Mind you I have never cheated on him ever). Now he just ignores me when it suits him and talks to me when he wants to. He is intentionally hurting me to teach me a lesson.

I have given up basically everything for him in the past. And when the one person you have to rely on acts as if you don't exist what can you do ?

Every time I am with him I feel as if I'm walking on egg-shells. Don't get me wrong I love him more than anything. And the best times of my life has been with him (as well as the worst). I know he loves me.

Can you please let me know what can I do to not hurt him ? So that he will stop hurting me back ? (Since I don't even know I'm looking at anyone - which he's accusing me of doing).

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're having a very hard time. I will try to help.

Several things you said really caught my attention. You said, "I have given up basically everything for him in the past." That will never work, ever. If you give up everything for another person, you have given them too much power in your life, and you will never be happy with the results, no matter who the other person is, or how they act.

The problem started when you abandoned yourself by, "giving up everything." This is further reflected in your statement that you "love him more than anything." You need to love yourself and your own happiness and well being more.

You also said you want to stop hurting him, so that he will stop hurting you. And yet, you're not hurting him...he just tells you that you are. His behavior toward you is abusive, if what you've written here is accurate. He has decided that you are guilty, and that he is justified in punishing you, regardless. This is not healthy...this is abuse.

I'm sure you do love him, and that he does love you in his own way. However, I would say that as far as I can tell, you're not safe in this relationship. The only solution is for you to begin reclaiming your life, focusing on yourself, and creating your own happiness. It sounds like you are way too dependent on him, and that has to be resolved.

I strongly encourage you to read how to deal with the silent treatment, and follow the guidelines you find there.

You are worthy of respect, love and care. And it is your responsibility to see that you get what you need.

Believe in yourself and your own worth and value. You are far more valuable than you realize.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Nov 27, 2016
I'm Also Being Accused Of Something I Didn't Do
by: Anonymous

I have just come out of a relationship with a man who also accused me of looking at other men. I started to believe that I had something wrong with me as I couldn’t see what he was seeing. He told me to see a hypnotist to sort myself out, and stupidly I did. They all told me that the issues are with him.

I also gave up my own happiness to be with him and kept thinking he would realize how true I was to him but he still kept accusing me when we were out, it was horrid. He had panic attacks when we went out and blamed me.

Dr. DeFoore is right, this type of relationship is not safe. It was emotional abuse which messed me up. All along he was cheating on me and made me feel like the bad one when all along I was innocent. I started therapy to find answers to fix myself but truth was he was the one who had issues which I ignored.

He used to tell me that his mum used to give more attention to his brother when he was a child and as a consequence has carried abandonment issues. He was angry and verbally abusive when he wasn’t happy with me and I would beg like a child to be heard and understood. He was very jealous and possessive and made comments about skirts above my knees and wasn’t too pleased about my having male friends.

I started isolating myself and fell into depression after 1 year of seeing him. I ignored all the signs and kept trying to prove myself to him. In the end I had a break down and ended up in a mental health hospital - the pain of him cheating on me was unbearable and I lost sight of who I was. I am no longer with him and I am sure he will repeat the same patterns with someone else.

This type of relationship is not love, it’s an unhealthy relationship with someone who does not deal with his own issues and as a result the other person deals with them. I should have read all the signs and not spent two years of my life with him. It’s sad, although we have no contact I still care and think of him but do not maintain contact with him as he is not safe for my health.

Anyone in this type of relationship should really think about themselves first. Please don't end up like me. I'm sure if we had carried on the relationship things could have become more aggressive and maybe violent.

Mar 10, 2013
I Agree
by: Barbara

I had a similar situation except I was married to him. My husband of 10 years was nice in the beginning of our marriage but became abusive in many ways. I left him in 2000 and got my divorce in 2001. Please don't stay in this relationship. I agree with Dr. Defoore. You need to start taking care of yourself.

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