I'm Being Accused Of Something I Didn't Do
My boyfriend would accuse me of looking at other guys, while I'm with him. But I don't. I realize this stems from past trust issues that we've had.
But lately he would just stop talking to me and I wouldn't even know why. I have been with him long enough to know when he's mad and I know. And what he tells me is he stops talking to me to give me a taste of what the pain is like.
But I have never intentionally hurt him. (Mind you I have never cheated on him ever). Now he just ignores me when it suits him and talks to me when he wants to. He is intentionally hurting me to teach me a lesson.
I have given up basically everything for him in the past. And when the one person you have to rely on acts as if you don't exist what can you do ?
Every time I am with him I feel as if I'm walking on egg-shells. Don't get me wrong I love him more than anything. And the best times of my life has been with him (as well as the worst). I know he loves me.
Can you please let me know what can I do to not hurt him ? So that he will stop hurting me back ? (Since I don't even know I'm looking at anyone - which he's accusing me of doing).
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're having a very hard time. I will try to help.
Several things you said really caught my attention. You said, "I have given up basically everything for him in the past." That will never work, ever. If you give up everything for another person, you have given them too much power in your life, and you will never be happy with the results, no matter who the other person is, or how they act.
The problem started when you abandoned yourself by, "giving up everything." This is further reflected in your statement that you "love him more than anything." You need to love yourself and your own happiness and well being more.
You also said you want to stop hurting him, so that he will stop hurting you. And yet, you're not hurting him...he just tells you that you are. His behavior toward you is abusive, if what you've written here is accurate. He has decided that you are guilty, and that he is justified in punishing you, regardless. This is not healthy...this is abuse.
I'm sure you do love him, and that he does love you in his own way. However, I would say that as far as I can tell, you're not safe in this relationship. The only solution is for you to begin reclaiming your life, focusing on yourself, and creating your own happiness. It sounds like you are way too dependent on him, and that has to be resolved.
I strongly encourage you to read how to deal with the silent treatment, and follow the guidelines you find there.
You are worthy of respect, love and care. And it is your responsibility to see that you get what you need.
Believe in yourself and your own worth and value. You are far more valuable than you realize.
My very best to you,
P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission to help you become your own best anger management resource.
P.P.S. If you got something of value here, we would also greatly appreciate it if you would provide a written testimonial and/or click the "Like" button at the top left corner of this page.