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I Try To See The Best In Others

by Anonymous

I am a 26 year old woman who has been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for about 6 years. We moved in together about 3 years ago and that's when he started showing his anger.

He has never physically harmed me, and we don't find things to fight about often (not because I am afraid to argue but because I don't find most trivial things important to argue about). We generally have a very healthy relationship. That is until he gets angry during an argument.

He seems personally attacked when really, I just want to express how I feel and talk things through. I try to keep a normal tone and not raise my voice. I try to stay calm and not attack him but he gets in my face and screams. He goes from 0 to 60, calm to screaming at me.

He makes me feel like I'm usually to blame and convinces me these arguments are my fault and our problems are my fault. That I'm the irrational one. When I try to walk into another room to get away from the loud stressful screaming. He will chase me...continuing to yell at me. I usually diffuse the situation...somehow, by admitting I'm wrong over and over until he calms down and can talk calmly again.

He can't be that far gone. I just don't want him to get worse. I want to help him without the ultimate consequence of leaving him. He openly admits he has an anger problem and it upsets him that this upsets me.

He wants to do better but we don't know how to start. I just want to be able to argue with him without being afraid of the volume and the attacks. He will admit when he's wrong. A few weeks ago he had gotten fed up about coming home to see the dog chewed the wall. The dog has anxiety and I have been working on new techniques to help the pup for a while now.

He stayed calm, then got drunk (something he rarely does) and then got angry and trashed our apartment. Nothing permanent, just flipping the card table and knocking everything in the living room and kitchen on the ground. Nothing was broken.

So it seemed like he subconsciously tried to curb his anger by not causing permanent damage. The dog was ok too. I mean, as ok as you can be after witnessing that. I was not home for that fit of rage unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I can usually calm him down when the dog does this.

Please. I need advice. He is willing to try anything and so am I. He does have a good heart.

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Jul 21, 2019
You Need To Think About This Differently
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here.

It's good that you try to see the best in your boyfriend. However, there are some other factors I want you to consider carefully:

1) You are the one reaching out for help, not your boyfriend. It needs to be the other way around. Take a look at the chart above, and you can see that he is approaching the highest and most dangerous levels of anger escalation.

2) Situations like you're describing usually get worse until something extreme don't have to wait for that.

3) You're focusing on getting help for him, and you need to be focused on your own safety and well well as that of your dog, who is an innocent bystander to all of this.

It appears to me that you are not safe in this relationship. Unless your boyfriend gets very serious and focused on getting help for himself, and then follows through with steady, consistent work on himself for at least a year, he most likely will not get better...which means that you will be more and more damaged emotionally, if not physically.

You cannot help him get better...that is his job. As long as you function as his method of calming down, you are actually adding to his problem. This will cause him to think the solution to his anger is outside himself, and it's not.

I hope this helps you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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