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I Threw My Phone Again

by M

Hi Dr. DeFoore. I hope that you can help me or provide me some possible solutions to the way I problematically handle my anger.

I love my boyfriend and we get on so well. I believe that we are not a toxic couple, in fact I feel like we are mature and happy and healthy. We don't fight very often and when we do, we move past it pretty fast because we put our egos aside and move forward respectfully.

Sometimes we have to compromise as I don't like to move on so quickly and prefer to talk it out and feel validated for my emotions. Over the 2 years we have been together there have been a few "big" fights and the way I react has made me believe maybe I need to find some help. I'll outline some scenarios below.

Last night we fought over something small that really blew up. When we fight, I don't like the way he speaks to me and he doesn't have to call me stupid but I sure feel like I am.

I'm sure the way I talk back isn't constructive either but I genuinely feel like he's in the wrong this time, communication-wise. He was being snappy, and asking me rhetorical questions and repeating what I said in a sarcastic tone, making me feel like an idiot. I wanted the argument over so I said that I really don't want to fight and I calmed my tone but he was still acting cold so anger built up inside of me instead.

The anger started to rise up and I threw my phone across the room where it hit the wall and smashed to pieces. This is not the first time I've thrown my phone. I had done it a year earlier during another fight. I think it's a way to hurt myself. I then had an overwhelming urge to get out of the house, I felt like I couldn't breathe so I walked to a park nearby to sit and cry.

In the past, during a "big fight" I have walked/run away. My brain stops working and all I can think to do is get away. To calm down. To breathe and cry. My partner hates it and probably thinks I'm crazy for running away.

I can't explain it but I have to get away. With the anger, I also get the urge to hurt myself physically. In really bad arguments (with my family too) I have hit my head on walls or with my fists so that they bruise. I also scratch myself on the arms so that the bleed. I think the pain is a distraction or punishment to myself. I deserve the pain after throwing my phone and smashing it.

Am I a monster? My dad is. I grew up in a family where my dad physically abused my mum. We are now safe and they are separated. I always used to protect my mum and I was the one who called the police on my dad. But, I can't help thinking that I have his anger inside me, and that bursting into anger and throwing things is abusive too.

I feel so emotional right now, I feel like everything I have just said sounds horrific but if you met me in real life you would never know. I'm nice, patient, understanding and helpful in all other aspects unless I'm out of control like this. I feel like this will all be forgotten by tomorrow and I will carry on like always. I just want it to stop happening.

p.s. I'm 20 and female

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Apr 02, 2024
Throw it!
by: Anonymous

Ok, so you blew it. You over-extended yourself after work or school, and now you're super pissed about something that doesn't matter. Stop explaining yourself. Stop telling everyone everything. School/work sucks, and it is okay to feel this. Use the down-time to build yourself up, not to look for people's approval. Love you, hope you are good.

May 15, 2021
You Have Taken the First Step to Healing
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello M. Thanks for telling your story here. I'll try to help.

You have good levels of self-awareness, in your recognition that you might be repeating the patterns you witnessed in your dad. You don't like this erratic behavior is because it is not in alignment with who you really are. You are a good, loving person who happens to have some unresolved anger issues.

The next step in your process is to do some personal healing work. The guidelines in this article will provide you with a step-by-step process that you can do on your own.

These tools work, but only if you use them consistently over time, until you reach a level of proficiency. You have been developing your emotional patterns over a lifetime, and it will take a significant amount of inner work to heal them.

But you can do it! You've got what it takes, if you apply yourself.

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