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I am 19, almost 20 and my fiance is 20 almost 21. We have been together since I was 14. We have been engaged for almost 2 years now and we have been living together for aout 3 months.
Lately he's been full of rage, getting mad over nothing, hitting things, throwing things, grabbing me and yelling at me when I've done something minor. He says things like "nobody will ever love you, your life would be ruined without me, you're stuck with me." He will also call me names like the c word.
I tell him to stop acting this way and treat me with respect and he says "I own you I can disrespect you and touch you whenever I want". As a child he was abandoned by his mother but his grandmother and his father took him in.
His dad is gay, has a life partner and everything. During high school my fiance told me I had to be a secret from his family because they "forbid him to date while his studies were on the line". My fiance is not very smart and he barely squeaked by high school because he was lazy. Well, when he graduated I asked if his family could know about me now and he said no he had lied about why he kept me secret and we broke up.
A month later I got a phone call from his dad, his dad informed me he found out about me thru phone records and was calling to tell me he thought his son was gay, he had no idea he liked women. His entire family ended up contacting me that day and they all had stories from times my fiance had brought boys home and had sex with them and how they were all shocked I even existed.
I contacted my fiance and he of course said his family was crazy and I believed him. This happened back in 2010. Since then I have found gay porn in his email that he's subscribed to and he's denied it saying his father must have done it.
My point is, I think his rage and abusive nature is coming from his unhappiness from hiding his homosexuality. I am bisexual and I have told him many times I would not care if he was also bisexual, and he gets enraged and offended each time I imply anything.
Now he has begun being slightly abusive as I described previously. Is this abuse? What should I do, should I leave? Am I right about why he's so full of rage? Is there a way to fix this?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Renee, and thanks for telling your story here. You sound like a bright young woman, and I'm glad you're making this effort to make healthy choices in your relationship.
I'll get right to answering your questions first. Yes, this is abuse...without question. His statement that he owns you and can do anything he wants, for example, is classic abuser language. Most abusers think they own their victims. You ask if you should leave, and my answer is yes...as soon as possible. But, Renee...do this for yourself, because you think you're worthy of respect...not just because I suggest it. Without respect there can be no love. He does not respect you, or he'd never treat you this way. Therefore it is safe to say that he does not love you. You don't do these things to someone you love.
Learn more about how to deal with abusive relationships.
Regarding your question about why he's angry, you may be right...we have no way of knowing. That is not really your concern, and I encourage you to focus on getting yourself into a safe situation, rather than trying to figure out why he's angry.
And finally, the only way to fix this is if he takes responsibility for his problems and seeks serious, long-term professional help on his own. From what you've written about him here, that does not sound likely. It sounds like he's taking no responsibility for his problems.
Ultimately, Renee, it's up to you to decide what quality of life you want to have for yourself. I encourage you to make up your mind that you will create healthy, loving relationships, and accept nothing less.
Believe in yourself and your own good heart. And take care of yourself.
My very best to you,
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