I Take Everything Out On My Loved Ones
I'm a girl who has gotten my way my entire life. I've never been disciplined, and I've never had to learn my lesson. When things aren't going perfectly as I saw them going in my head I get major anxiety and take it out on someone who I'm close to.
Something like for example if I ask for a coke, and someone brings me a Pepsi. I just get a horrible attitude, and I can bring down everyone's mood if it's not my way.
I blame it on them for something not going perfect even if it wasn't their fault, and I'm just so mean. It can be something so small but I take it to the most extreme. I'll say something that will hurt them.
I have even hit my boyfriend after something hasn't gone right because I got that mad that's the only thing that would make myself feel better. My mom too sometimes.
It's to the point everyone's on eggshells to make sure everything goes perfect so I'm happy and don't ruin everyone else's time. And I hate it.
I don't like doing that to the people I love. What's wrong with me and what can I do?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Kayla, and thanks for telling your story here. First of all, I want to congratulate you for having the guts and the integrity to ask for help here. The reason you don't like how you're treating people is because that is not who you really are. You're a good person inside, and that's why you're asking for help with your anger.
You have been a victim of a very strange form of abuse. You have been given a sense of entitlement and self importance that is toxic to you, and it is what is causing your anger. This is not your fault. If families favor and spoil children, there is nothing the child can do about it. Getting your way in everything is not healthy for you (or any child), but again, that's not your fault--but you're left with the results.
You were treated as if you are perfect, and could do no wrong. I suggest you write the story of the little girl inside you who was never seen or heard. That would be the sad, scared little girl. It may take some effort to find her in your imagination, but you can do it. This program on nurturing your inner child will help with that.
Your anger is not bad...it's there for a reason. Your anger is saying, "Someone please stop me!" And, sadly, no one has. But you can stop yourself, because you're suffering more than anyone from this problem.
In one of my books, called Serai: Bringing The Children Home, you will find a description of the "golden child," who is the favored child in a family.
As one final suggestion, I recommend that you list all of the things about you that you consider to be shortcomings, flaws or negative traits. That gives you a picture of the "shadow" part of you, that was not in the "light" of the favored child. When you've made that list, come up with a mental image of that part of you...the unacceptable part of you. Then, embrace, love and incorporate that aspect of you into yourself. It's all good, every part of you.
I hope this helps you, Kayla. You are worthy of being known for who you truly are, and who you truly are is a genuinely good person.
My very best to you,