I Never Saw Myself As A Mother & Now I'm Worried I'll Be A Bad One
(Fenton, MI, USA)
I have a beautiful 18 month old son and a wonderful husband. I have a lovely house and good health...but I am an angry mother.
I never saw myself as a mother because my childhood was so tumultuous. I really didn't feel like I had a strong foundation to be a good parent. But God had other plans, and my son came into my life. From the moment he was born, I have struggled with feeling like my days with him are a burden and that I am trapped.
I want nothing more than to have joy in my heart for all the moments we get together, but I feel the opposite. My son doesn't play by himself (ever) and needs constant companionship. My days are filled with playing cars and having no down time.
As he's entered into toddler hood I've noticed he's sleeping worse (although he still hasn't slept through the night once) and crying more (terrible two's?). Getting him to nap sometimes takes forever and I find myself losing my temper.
After him pulling my hair, poking his fingers in my eyes and nose and ears and shifting his body a hundred different ways in my arms while rocking him, I will put him down off my lap harsher than I should and even grip him harder than I think is good for him. I've even thrown his toys at the wall in front of him in anger because I get so fed up.
I can see the hurt and confusion in his eyes at my behavior and don't want him to start acting this way. He's seriously the most precious human being I know and I don't want my temper to extinguish the sweetness inside him.
I feel like such an ungrateful monster...