I Keep Failing At Everything And I'm Losing Hope
It all started when my anxiety started up. I was displaying all the signs and I couldn't do anything about it. At first I was worried I had heart problems, since I had frequent panic attacks. I didn't. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and chronic depression.
I'll be honest, the depression was not as bad a few months ago, but it has gotten worse. My grades were getting worse, and I was losing faith in myself increasingly. My parents are starting to dislike me too. I honestly don't blame them. I would be angry at me too.
I have Google Plus, and honestly, I love it. It opened my eyes, and it has always made me happy. However, my parents disapprove of it, and have told me to delete, but I can't. It is the ONLY thing making me happy. Should I be concerned? Plus, it's the only thing making me smile nowadays.
I often lash out and say horribly disrespectful things to my parents, and I really hate this about myself. It's like I can't control it, and I often feel like I want to be isolated desperately after these things are said. This is becoming worse, and combined with the depression, it's becoming incredibly hard.
I feel the worst guilt, and I often end up crying in my bedroom. I show my parents that this isn't affecting me and that my reaction is completely emotionless. I can't do it anymore. I'll burst into tears in my bedroom, and then come out with an emotionless expression.
I hate myself, a lot, and I'm sick and tired of it. No matter how hard I try, I'll always end up loathing myself. I feel like crap when I enter the school gates, because I know I look terrible, and that I can't do anything about it.
My friends also seem to want to exclude me... I feel forgotten everywhere, and all I want is to be emotionless. I feel like this is out of my hands now. I have booked numerous appointments to the GP, and am thinking of using anti-depressants.
I also would like counseling. I don't know if both should be good, or if one. I would really like your input on this. Thank you, Doctor.