I Just Don't Understand My Anger
My name is Chelsey and I have two beautiful kids and a husband I would like to keep. My husband's name is Dustin, and he can do the smallest things and I snap. I'm a stay at home mom and when he gets home from work I kind of expect him to help me with the kids, but sometimes he will fall asleep and leave me to take care of the kids.
I have a month old little baby girl and he barely ever feeds or changes her diaper and it makes me go off. To get my point across I yell and scream at him. I want to stop because of the kids and him.
My anger started when I was maybe 13 or 14. My mom and my dad split up when I was 5, and every other weekend I was with my dad. Then when I was about 12 he moved to PA. My mom had remarried before that and my step-father is the greatest. My sister got pregnant at 18 or 19. After her son was born she left him with me and my mother. So me and my mom never had any time to spend with each other.
I don't blame my nephew I blame his mom (my sister). I was in middle school at the time and my mom was working. Once we were taking my nephew to the babysitter, and when the babysitter was not answering the door I told my mom that I would stay home home so she could go to work. Cause she had to work to support us.
Then a couple years down the road my nephew's daddy got out of prison, and they hooked up and she was pregnant again. They ended up getting married and then he was shot and killed my an orange county deputy. That made things even harder. But I what I need to know is how to control my anger and why I snap so easy?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Chelsey, and thanks for telling your story here. One reason you may be angry is because you have had to give up a big part of your childhood and adolescence to raise your nephew. When your husband doesn't do his part in caring for your children, it reminds you of your past, when you were in middle school and had to help raise your nephew.
It sounds like you haven't had a chance to have much fun in your life--like you've been raising kids since you were 12. That's enough to make anybody angry.
So, what to do about it? Here are some things I suggest:
1) Try to do something fun, just for you, every day. I know that might be hard, but give it your best shot.
2) Look for the things in your life that make you smile, and try to focus your attention there more. Look for ways and reasons to laugh as much as possible.
3) It might also help you to do the journaling exercises on this page, to review your past trauma, vent your anger in a healthy way, and focus on the good parts of your life. I especially encourage you to use the positive journaling process on that same page, to create as many good feelings as possible.
If you're still having trouble with your anger after that, consider taking a look at this anger management techniques program available in CD, audio download or Ebook.
Above all, Chelsey, believe in yourself. Make up your mind you're going to have a good life, and never give up.
My very best to you,