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I Just Don't Know What To Do About My Marriage Any More

by Kate
(Ottawa, Ontario Canada)

I have been married for 20 years. I want to leave the marriage because I am not happy. I am scared of him.

He won't let me leave. He says that I am selfish, that our son will not be able to go to university. That he will have to sell his dream house, his triplex. And because we owe a lot of money on these we will have nothing at the end. No more pension from the triplex. Nothing.

He cried in front of our 13 year old son, telling him that I no longer loved him, and he cried and cried. And my son cried and was so angry at me. It was heartbreaking to see my son like that. But I hated my husband so much more.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD. He has anger problems, he gets angry very quickly. He swears at us. He is always right, nobody else is. He thinks he knows everything.

He wIll insult clerks at store if they don't know the answer to his question, which obviously he knows. He drives like a maniac. He has scared me so many times, that once I screamed and he stopped the car and kicked (literally) me out of it, and he left me there.

I am suffering from depression. I take meds for it. I work full-time. I want to leave but I am paralyzed by his comments, by his words, even looking at him I am scared. I don't know what to do anymore.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Kate, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you’re having a very hard time, and you’re in a very difficult situation. I will try to help.

There is nothing easy about the decision to leave a marriage, especially when you’re being pressured in the way your husband is pressuring you. And of course it makes it much worse that he uses your son in the process, which is damaging to you and your son both.

From what you have written here, it appears that your husband is in a very destructive pattern. Unless he seeks help and begins doing some deep personal growth, this pattern of behavior will most likely continue, and get worse.

Bottom line is you have to take care of yourself, and your son. It’s your husband’s job to take care of himself, and if he doesn’t, that’s his responsibility. Read and follow the guidelines on this page about how to deal with abusive relationships. Seek counseling if you feel the need to, but do not give up on yourself or your situation. Staying married or getting divorced are both big decisions for you to make, and only you can decide which is the right decision for you.

Trust in the goodness and wisdom of your heart Kate, and you will make the right choice.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Comments for I Just Don't Know What To Do About My Marriage Any More

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Aug 08, 2013
Serious situation
by: Forestnana

I am so sorry that you are in this position in your marriage. BUT it is NOT your fault. The doctor is correct in calling your husband abusive. He is not only abusive but also manipulative and destructive. It is obvious that his ADHD is not under control (does he take medication?)Most likely he will NOT seek medical help nor agree to counseling. Please seek counseling for you and your son. His actions are mostly likely going to escalate into more violent behavior so by all means, find help for you and your son. There are many shelters, churches or organizations that will give you guidance. DON'T wait. You DO NOT HAVE a marriage that is safe. Be safe my friend. Blessings to you. Good luck.

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