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I Have Blackouts When I'm Angry
Recently I got into a fight in school. I was punched in the face and out of shock I stared at the person for a few seconds.
I could see the regret and fear on the person’s face (as I am rough 6 foot and about 17 stone at 15 years old), and yet I couldn't help but grab his throat.
It's as though I had no choice. I didn't realize until I actually noticed my hand there. That's the last I remember before I was being pulled off of him and pinned to the floor by 6 or seven pupils and my twin brother, who is of roughly the same build as me.
I've been told that in the minute that I missed I hit him several times in the face mixed in with some verbal abuse. The person was and still is my friend so obviously I didn't want to hurt him. He was almost unconsciousness after but he forgave me and I still don't know why he hit me.
I tend to bottle up my anger and am very good at not letting my emotions show. But it builds up inside me and I can feel it always there, bubbling away until it boils over and I black out and lash out.
I am very stressed with myself and others. In primary school I was a very easy person to push over the edge, throwing chairs in class and beating people on the playing field so I started bottling it up and now I'm here.
On the day I had the fight I had already had a bad morning, fighting with my brother, arguing and verbally abusing my mum (or so she says). I don't remember anything I said to her. Several other little things had also happened in the weeks leading up to the fight.
I lash out roughly once a month, sometimes more. Stress leads to violence, which leads to stress, and I just seem to be in this vicious cycle and I can't get out of it.
Just thinking about all this and writing this post, I have bent my iPad.