I Feel Lower Than Low
There Is Light Behind The Clouds
I'm a 44 year old male, never married and no kids of my own. My childhood sucked. Sexual things done to me by my sister who is 4 years older than me. I’m not entirely sure of my age then but I think I was around 7.
My parents I have little memory of the abuse. At least until 10 or so. Dad and I never connected. He had multiple affairs on my mother that I witnessed several of. They divorced when I was 16. I became very close to my mom after the divorce. Both parents have passed.
I also have had chemical dependency issues. I drink too much and take pills. The list goes on.
My issues have become extreme. I’m incredibly insecure, jealous like a mad man, and I have tremendous trust issues. My actions have led to my current girlfriend leaving me for another man. We reconciled earlier this year. We spent roughly 6 months apart. During that time, I basically quit drinking and pills. We had an incredibly hard time finding our current home, due to poor financial choices made. We finally got a place.
Through our relationship, which spans almost 8 years, I have had major trusting issues with her, which makes me withdraw and stew on jealousy. She feels rejected and seeks attention - any woman would. Facebook has given a portal to some sexting affairs. The man she left me for was also a Facebook find.
Things have deteriorated drastically on my end. I'm now a verbal abuser. To the point the cops came and her poor father had to come watch the drunken lunatic (me) to protect his own daughter. Just what every dad wants for his beautiful daughter. No arrest was made.
I’ve been in shock ever since and I feel inconsolable grief for what I've done. Her response is up and down which I completely understand. However, there is now another Facebook man giving her what I failed to.
To further complicate this, an 8 year old little boy is involved. I have an incredibly close relationship with him. I consider him my son and love him to death.
We are currently coexisting. My nights have become me watching while she and this new guy text continuously. I ask and she says, “It's just catching up.” I'm in no place to ask her for anything for me. This has happened on more than one occasion and gotten worse.
So, I scheduled counseling for myself today. Years of avoiding myself has caught up to me. I so desperately want to understand my thoughts and save what can be an amazing relationship.
I am ashamed of what I've done more than I can express. I don't blame anyone but me for the abuse. My mom would smack the shit out of me if she were alive. I don't even remember half of what I say. I do not mean any of it and dear lord I want to get better and am willing to do anything for myself.
I need advice and knowledge.