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Okay so basically I feel that I have a serious anger problem which I cannot control. I don't know if it is resulting from past family experiences or coming out of an abusive relationship.
This guy that genuinely cares and loves me I push away and say things to hurt him all the time. I am aware of what I say to him and at the moment do not care because I get so angry. I have texted hurtful things that I know will hurt him because I feel like he deserved it. When I don't get my way, I blow up..get mad..and say the hurtful things anyway.
I've noticed that I have ups and downs with my mood and I'm hoping I'm not like, bi polar or something. I'm scared because I know this is wrong and I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like the guy (for example, my ex) is wrong no matter what. Even if he is wrong, I won't let it go!
I can't leave the past in the past and I struggle with biting my tongue! Sounds crazy, but it's the truth and I don't want to live like this because I want to get married in the future! I don't want to be known as crazy or anything.
Also, yesterday was father's day. I feel like I hate my dad because he left my family and me when I was ten. He has been in and out of my life and between both my parents they make money such a big deal and it is devastating. It honestly destroys me because now I am so worried about money and expect the finest things when I don't even have it like that right now.
He is a successful dentist and I am in school studying dentistry, but not because my father is a dentist, but because I see his lifestyle, and it makes me want to pursue it even more. I also get mad when it comes to money! I am not working when I am in school so I rely and depend on my ex to pay for everything. Even though I don't like asking for money, I still expect him to do it regardless, which is wrong!
I am very short tempered and it has worsened recently and I want to change it. When you look at me, you probably won't be able to tell. I also question myself and become insecure sometimes. I feel that I am socially awkward when it comes to being around girls, specifically, because I do not know how they are viewing me. Since I spend most of my social life and time with my ex boyfriend, I lost touch with really being with a group of girls and actually having fun and forming good friendships.
I am afraid my anger will destroy everything I have going for me. I know you can't diagnose me and I'm kind of hesitant to see a psychiatrist because I don't want to "feel" crazy or anything. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and question if this is who I REALLY am, since it has been going on for quite some time.
I also despise girls that I have had altercations with and seek revenge sometimes by cursing them out, starting rumors, and giving some dirty looks and talking about them behind their backs. I am still pissed at what they have done to me and how they've treated me.
I don't know what to do. Please help!
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you have a lot going on. It's also clear that you have some issue from your past, which are showing up in the ways you handle your current relationships.
I suggest you start by understanding and healing your anger with the exercises on this FAQ page. Then, I suggest you do some work on letting go of your parents, according to these guidelines.
And I think you would get a lot out of reading the book entitled, Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
Make up your mind to put your heart and soul into this journey of self discovery and emotional healing. You can do this.
Believe in yourself and the goodness of your heart.
My very best to you,
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