I Can't Express My Anger In A Healthy Way
by Laura M
Hi I'm 15 I am just struggling. I can control my anger to the point where I don't explode every time I want to, but I can't let my anger go either. I just keep it bottled and stored up and it's now at the point where the smallest things can piss me off.
I try not to show it because the logical part of my brain suspects it's an overreaction and I don't really want to hurt loved ones. I know that when I do explode, I say and do horrible things, actually enjoy inflicting the pain and probably won't regret it for hours afterwards.
So to avoid all that I just stuff my anger down deep inside. Logic and reason doesn't help - the logical part of me will try to reason with me but it ends up just making me angrier. It's at the point where I'll get pissed off on a daily basis, hide it and wait till I go to bed to vent and play over whatever pissed me off.
And that's never enough. If something angers me beyond all reason, I think of beating up the person that hurt me and screaming at them. I never actually do it because I know it's not an acceptable way to behave - but that also just makes me angrier, so that I'm not free to express myself.
I don't actively seek dangerous situations but it has also come to the point where a small part of me hopes I will be attacked so that I can legally fight back - so that I have someone I can take all my anger out on and finally be rid of it.
I can't bring myself to tell friends and family because I don't think they'd be able to say anything to help. I did once briefly mention my anger to my dad and he suggested that I take it out on a punching bag. Which is probably really sound advice except I want to inflict actual pain.
I want someone I hate to know how they've made me feel and punish them for it - I want to see them in pain. I know that therapy is probably a good idea, but for therapy to work you have to want to make the change to be better. And I don't want to.
I want to be able to express all my anger and fully explode. I don't want to let it go. But my conscience knows that's wrong - I know that that isn't socially acceptable but knowing all this doesn't change that what I want most is to be able to release all my anger on someone I hate and to make them feel like shit.
I'm seeking help because I'm tired. All of this anger often leads to self-hatred. I just want to be balanced and be able to express my anger in a way that satisfies me but isn't detrimental to anyone or anything. Unfortunately that seems to be a complete paradox.