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I Can't Do Anything Without It Triggering A Fight

by Ashley
(Kansas City, Mo)

I have been with my fiancé for five and a half years. Everything was great in the beginning. It was when we moved in together that everything changed.

I was helping my family run their small thrift store at the time. He also had a store and wanted me to quit and run his store full time. I did because it saved gas. We lived above the store, and I really saw a future with him.

As time went on the small arguments would eventually blow into full blown fights, with his screaming at me most of the time. If any tiny thing happened it was all my fault. Then we had to close his shop. He was never to blame, at one point he said it was 10% his fault and 90% my fault the shop failed. That's when I realized that this was not the man I fell in love with.

As time went on there were good periods and bad periods. I went back into the corporate hotel business and was fairly happy, but in the last six to seven months I have had a lot thrown at me. My mother almost died of an intracranial hemorrhage 3 days before Christmas, my grandfather passed away the day before my birthday, I lost a job that I absolutely loved, and my mother had to have another brain surgery last month. All while this was going on, I wound up in the hospital myself with a severe infection.

He is an OTR truck driver and when I told him I had to call an ambulance, he never offered to come home.

Every time I try to open up about what I'm feeling, and I'll be honest, the feeling is “overwhelmed” most of the time, he just tells me to go to the gym to deal with it. Since that is what works for him, it has to work for me too.

I currently am running the office side of his trucking company, so I deal with him and all the drivers daily. If anything breaks down I am automatically to blame. If I was better organized, if I hadn't procrastinated, all I do (according to him) is sit on my lazy ass all day.

This is becoming constant. If I tell him something is wrong I'm trying to start a fight. If I don’t tell him something is happening I'm just lying and taking advantage of him. I am at my wit’s end, I cannot take this anymore.

How can I make him see what he has done to me, if that's even possible?

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Aug 15, 2018
Some Answers For You To Consider
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Ashley - Thanks for telling your story here. I know this is very hard for you. I will try to help if I can.

I'll answer your last question first. You asked, "How can I make him see what he has done to me, if that's even possible?" It's not actually possible to "make anybody see" anything. Everyone will see what they're ready to see, and what they choose to see. If you work too hard to "make him see" what he's done to you, I think it will only make things worse.

It sounds like you're being abused and taken advantage of. You are not being appreciated for what you do for him or the company.

Think of your self respect. If you truly respect yourself, you will not tolerate this kind of treatment.

You refer to him as your fiancé. That's good. Believe me, you don't want to marry a man who treats you like this. It will only get worse.

You want him to see what he's done to you see the damage he's done to you? I think you've been too focused on him and not enough on yourself.

The answer is self love, self care and self respect, which means you will not be in any relationship where you are not treated with kindness and respect at all times.

I hope this helps.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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