I Am The Abuser And I Want To Change

by Daniel
(Orange County, CA)

I have been in a relationship with the woman I love for a year now. We have moved in together, we have a car in both our names for a 6 year loan.

I love her, and lately she has been feeling bad about herself and has been told by her family that I was the abuser. I am wanting to change. I said things in a negative way towards her and I should never have said those things.

I never used to be this way until roughly 3 years ago when the mother of my child slept around and we separated because I could not be in a relationship like that. 2 years ago my daughter was born, and a year ago my girlfriend I got together.

We have grown to love each other with all our hearts and raise my daughter as a couple. My daughter thinks of her as her mother and calls her momma.

My girlfriend is not certain if she wants to be in the relationship and fix it anymore because of the past with me. I called her names such as fat, and said she was gaining weight and needs to lose it, needs to stop eating candy, get healthier.

I would have a GPS on her because I was afraid of what would happen if I was not around. I trust she won’t do anything with anyone else but I always feared the worst. I also developed a case of separation anxiety and that did not help my situation.

I have friends and family supporting my recovery and encourage her and I to remain as a couple. I am not sure if I need to end the relationship to protect her, take a break, or stick through it and change.

I need some professional help and advice. Please, I beg of you, help me, because I know in my heart I love this woman. I am ready to change.

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Feb 28, 2015
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The Help You Need
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Daniel

I congratulate you for deciding to change, and for reaching out for help. I will try to help, but you will need more help than I can provide in this format.

I suggest that you seek counseling from a professional. The kind of abusiveness and possessiveness that you describe has deep roots, and it takes time to change those patterns.

You said you're wondering if you should end the relationship to protect her, and I think that's a reasonable thing for you to consider.

I'm sure you're a good person, Daniel, but as I said, these patterns are tough to break.

That being said, you need to believe in yourself and your ability to heal and be the good, secure person you want to be.

I suggest that you do a search on my site, and read everything you can find about relationship problems, abusive relationships, and jealousy. Follow all of the guidelines you find on those pages, and that will help you.

But, as I said, you also need professional counseling that takes you to the root of your abusive behavior.

By the way, Daniel, most abusive people do not ask for help or take responsibility for what they've done. You're exceptional in that way, but that doesn't solve your problem...it just means that solving your problem is possible.

Believe in yourself, Daniel, and make up your mind to be healthy psychologically and emotionally before asking someone to trust you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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