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I Am Angry At Myself

by Susan
(Jasper Alberta)

I have been sober for 5 years and also cigarette free for 6 years. I am 51.

I am angry about a lot of things. Strange when I am angry I want to cry, and feel hopeless. When I am angry with others I try to address the issue in a mature fashion, waiting until I am not too overwhelmed emotionally - although there have been moments where I just burst.

I am angry about feeling unfulfilled and lethargic. I have a life I should be very grateful for. I have food shelter and clothing. I have my own money and savings, my own apartment, a good paying job with a dental plan, and I get to work out doors in a Jasper National Park. It is a seasonal job I have had for 10 years. I get to travel in the off season.I guess being a well paid cleaner - yes I scrub the inside of outhouse toilet tubes - has some benefits.

I am angry because I have or used to have creative gifts that no longer inspire me. I have been a painter, a singer and a songwriter - I have always had some kind of creative project but no longer feel interested or motivated. I also used to love children.

I am angry because I have had to go on antidepressants. It has been a month, and although I am not so depressed I am still feeling bleak, lethargic and hopeless, and angry.

I am angry at my boyfriend of 3 years. He has lied and cheated on me more than once. He has emotional attachments to other women. But he continues to nurture me reassure me and encourage me with loving words. But he is angry a lot. And he always calls me.

And I am angry because I love him and I don't want to let him go, at the same time as wanting to let him go. I hate myself for being wishy washy, hopeful and not trusting him at the same time...and I love him so much.

And I am angry that I like cooking and cleaning and gardening for him.

I am angry that I have never had a normal relationship. 5 out of 8 relationships ended because of another woman, and one ended because he was gay. I was three years sober before meeting my current partner.

I am angry because my face is aging and I have a wrinkled neck.

I am angry that I gave up a daughter for adoption at age 16 and never was able to get pregnant and have a child to raise of my own.

I am angry about my dysfunctional family background. Brother still at home. Sister a crack addict & alcoholic. My dad is an angry Hungarian narcissistic alcoholic asshole who was emotionally and mentally abusive - eg. struck me as an infant to give me something to cry about, called me bow-legged pigeon, 4-eyed, snotty-nosed, look what the wind brought in, etc. And my mother has no self esteem, no backbone, and still lives with him to this day.

So my question is, is there any hope for me?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Susan, and thanks for telling your story here.

You're apparently a bright and capable person. Apply your strength and intelligence to the task of getting emotionally healthy, and you will get good results.

Start by doing the three journaling processes described on this page. This will help you review your trauma, contain your anger, and begin shifting your focus to what is good in you and the world around you.

Also, use these imagery processes for emotional healing to help resolve the abuse from your past.

All of these tools are only useful if you use them, and the more you use them the better they will work for you.

Above all, Susan, believe in yourself. Learn to love yourself, and you will find everything in your life beginning to fall into place.

You are a good person, and deep inside you know that's true.

I have a feeling that after doing some of these exercises for a while, you'll start painting, singing and songwriting again.

Not only is there hope for you, you can create the life you choose for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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