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I Abused My Girlfriend And I'm Seeking Help

by Tyler
(Memphis, TN)

Hi. My name is Tyler. I was in a relationship with the most wonderful woman for 3 and a half years. Her name is Molly, and she was the most loving, caring person ever.

The first year and a half was wonderful, but it went sour. She became estranged from her parents and didn't really have anyone but me. At the time I was only 16 years old and it was a lot of stress on me. I didn't handle stress very well, it got to the point of violence whenever she irritated me, more often than not.

This happened up until around the summer of 2014. She found out I had been cheating on her, not physically, but over the Internet. I've regretted ever talking to anyone but her.

We got back together for about six months, and I was only abusive towards her maybe 4 or 5 times, which is a major improvement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending my actions one bit. I had also really stopped talking to any other girl.

November came and our lease was up, I decided I'd move back home to my parents’, to try and work on myself a little bit. I also saved up money so I could propose to her. Well she broke up with me in December. Just a couple weeks before my birthday and Christmas. She blocked my number and didn't want anything to do with me, she thought I would hurt her.

I had my mother drop off a letter at her home for me, telling her I wasn't mad and apologizing, and that I want her in my life. She finally texted me after a week, and she's become so hateful. She won't say she misses me, or loves me.

We've practically switched roles. She's now the one who acts like she doesn't care and I'm the one begging for her attention. I mentioned that to her and she said I'll get over it like she did. Today was the first day we had seen each other, and she didn't want to do it at all.

She's still filled with so much hatred. I have changed. I realize I'll never find anyone who loves me like she does and she'll never find anyone who loves her like I do.

Is this a thing that can be fixed by giving her time? I need to know what to do. I can't live without her. I know we are meant to be, and I know she still loves me and cares, otherwise she wouldn't be so angry, right?

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Nov 09, 2015
What's The Update On This?
by: Anonymous

I would like to know what was the outcome of this. Did she ever talk to you or get back with you or have you recovered completely with therapy?

Jan 27, 2015
You Are Right For Asking
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Tyler. I'm glad you are asking these questions, instead of continuing to do what you've done.

The best approach re. your girlfriend is to be glad for her that she's standing up for herself, and setting clear boundaries.

Abusing someone one time is too much. You need to get some indepth therapy, and do a lot of reading to fully understand the following:

1) The impact of abuse, and how long it takes to recover, if recovery is even possible. You need to be able to fully put yourself in her shoes, and completely understand how it was for her to be abused by you.

2) You need to understand and heal the underlying causes of your abusiveness. This is no small task, and if you do it right, it will take a few years of the right kind of therapy.

My recommendation is that you leave your girlfriend alone, once and for all. Her anger is appropriate, in light of what she has been through with you.

I hope this makes sense to you, and that you act accordingly.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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