How To Handle Meeting With Someone I Hate
Hello. My name is Kei, I live in Korea, and I am in my late twenties. I have some unresolved and ongoing issues with my older brother (50 y/o) and sister (46 y/o). We're a family of 6 children. My father passed away when I was 8 years old and not long after that we lost a family business. At that time my older brother was married with a child, and older sister was just got married to her husband. My second brother was only a teenager, and my other two siblings were both under 10 years old.
When things got rough, naturally we leaned on to our older siblings. Because we were a well-off family before my father's sudden death -- both of our older siblings were graduated from college, got their private businesses, etc.
But it turned out, they were not really into helping us out...My older brother, who himself has university education and knows education is only way out of poverty more than anyone else in our family, has encouraged my other two siblings to drop out of school (my father would have been greatly disappointed!!!). My older sister looks down upon us when we occasionally visited her home...All she was thinking is about how much money she can get away from my late father's savings...
But gladly, my teenage brother was different. He was a real guardian angel to us. He was a fighter. He was NOT going to listen to them. He brought the family business back all by himself and things got started settling down. He put the 2 drop-outs back to school, sacrificing his own opportunity to get college education. By the time I turned 18, my other 2 siblings were also in need of going to college. But it was too much for my brother, who was in his early twenties to pay tuition for 3 people.
By that time, my older brother was a rich man. So my second brother asked him to pay a tuition for my school and he can cover the other two's. Surprisingly, he agreed, which I am thankful. But he verbally abused me and damaged my self -esteem FOREVER. When I go to his home to get the promised money, he would say that "I am worthless of education and that of nothing. Not even physically desiring for men...ugly etc. We are all worthless. Embarrassing. Beggars...Dogs... But he did make sure to say these words when my mother or other brother is not on sight.
I remember leaving his home crying and sobbing two times on both occasion I bumped into his wife on the street. At that time I did not even know what he is saying is NOT true... I believed in what he said about me. Thought I am completely/totally worthless/ugly... It was deeply damaging. I feel like I could never fix that broken self-esteem. Instead I thought I should bring more focus to achieving professionally rather than complaining or victimizing myself.
But sometimes I feel deep sadness out of blue, no matter how successful I am at work/life/social settings/relationships. I could not forgive him for the words he said to me and the way he treated me and my other siblings.
When I met them a year ago, both of them show a great disappointment. He asked my salary, just to say -- the money I make equals to NOTHING. And instead of career I should just marry with someone and stay at home.
One time I tried to talk about him to my mother. But, she said, I should be rather grateful that he 'paid' my tuition.
It's Korean tradition to have a family gathering during the spring festival. He and she are going to be there and I do not know how to handle them this time... I feel like I wanna scream and shout at them!!! I do not want to see their faces! I really hate both of them. How to handle this...please Help.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Kei, and thanks for telling your story here. The important thing is what you think and how you feel about yourself. I know your anger and hatred have a grip on you at this time, and I will help you with that as well.
I suggest that you follow all of the recommendations you find on this FAQ page. This will help you to understand, heal and process your anger. You will also be guided to create more of a positive focus, which will help you tremendously, but only after you have done the other processes.
Since these are your older siblings, you have put them above you in importance and value, and they have let you down by failing to meet your expectations. The only thing that will give you relief from your hatred (in addition to the above referenced processes) is to make a list of all of their positive and negative qualities, and make every effort to accept them as they are. They are far from perfect, but they are also not entirely bad.
You can do this, Kei. You are worthy of your own respect and esteem, and I encourage you to focus more on what you appreciate about yourself on an ongoing basis. This will help you.
My very best to you,
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