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How Do You Turn Away Or Just Say No To Your Children When They Are Grown Adults?

by Kim
(Houston Texas)

Hello. My story pertains to a son who is 19 years old, was attending school doing just great then met a girl and has gone down hill since. Within the last 3 months he has been thrown out of places and living arrangements.

I helped him with money for a hotel even found him a place to stay renting a room. He messed that up and now he is right back in the streets homeless with the girl. This girl is not good for him, and everyone has tried to explain this to him. Now he is calling my phone every 10 seconds complaining that he is hungry and homeless living in the streets

I want to cut my phone off, change number but my family says to keep it out in case something happens. I’m way in Houston Texas and he is in California and that's my fear. He is going to hit rock bottom but that’s whats he needs to see. He insists on being with this girl, always running behind her and apparently she is under a roof but not him.

Last time he took her where he went to live and they managed to get kicked out. Now that he is in the streets he claims she has place to stay but he doesn't. Sounds like a personal problem. I have gone out of my way to help him financially, now enough is enough. As long as he is with this girl he will end up with nothing.

He doesn't wanna work he doesn't take care of his personal appearance, he smokes weed but seems like more is going on but i can’t prove it. Family has finally had enough and seems like I'm ready to do the same. This is stressful, what advice can I get. I even tried to get him checked into rehab or a place shelter for homeless teens but he doesn't want to do neither of those.

He says he has no problem but he does. He went to my aunt’s seeking help. She made him take a bath, fed him, and was trying to find referrals for him, someplace to stay. But he left the house the next day and went right back to the girl. The same old thing,

I’m just ready to cut the cord. Is that wrong? You’re not supposed to turn on your child but how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Kim, and thanks for telling your story here. You are exactly right in your thoughts about “cutting the cord.” No doubt, your son needs help, but he doesn’t need your help. For you to help him would only mean he stays a kid getting help from his mom.

In other words, it’s up to your son to seek appropriate help on his own. Until he does that, there is nothing you or anyone else can do to help him. These are the harsh realities of being a parent to an adult son with problems.

Your task is to focus on yourself and your own health and happiness. This at the very least will give him an example of good choices, and it will certainly help you too. I strongly encourage you to read this page on parenting adult children. You will find lots of information, including stories from other parents like you on that page.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Jul 10, 2013
Been there....
by: Sheryl

Kim...once again the Doctor is correct. All you are managing to do now is make yourself sick and enabling your son to continue his destructive behavior. Our son also took some very destructive turns in his life, starting when he was a junior in high school. Our choice, after many "contracts" with him was the alternative to ask him to leave. It is A HEART BREAKER for us, as I know it will be for you. But VERY NECESSARY.The unfortunate part is that children are only loaned to us. We do the best we can with the limited knowledge we have to raise them, then they have to decide the paths they take. YOU have no control. I would block his phone calls.He is obviously running on hormones and possibly drugs. He DOES need to reach rock bottom before he'll seek help (if he ever will). I'm so sorry for your pain. PLEASE take care of YOURSELF.It's hard to watch your kids fall's a helpless feeling. But you have to let go and let GOD. ((HUGS)) Sheryl

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