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His Depression Got Worse And I Lost Faith

by Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He never had a committed relationship before. He may have dated other women etc., but not a woman that stayed.

I had committed relationships before, so I understood how things worked. At first the relationship was good. We both saw each other all the time. He was always excited to go places with me and that I was actually interested in being with him and going places with him. He did also get clingy but I didn't mind that because it made me feel needed.

On a separate note he has ADHD, depression, and anxiety, where he started abusing his medication. He also abused his other medications that he was supposed to take at night to help him sleep. On top of that he would drink with it. So during the day he would be high constantly when I saw him. I wasn't happy with it because I was worried he could overdose or hurt himself.

In the relationship in the beginning we rarely fought. I was always there for him. I'm a positive, happy person and I just wanted the best for him. I was just waiting or hoping that he realized he had support and people that love him to help him change, to get a job, and eventually move out with me.

Later he stopped abusing his medication but then it turned to alcoholism. We started to fight more. He started to blame me and accuse me of things that didn't even make sense. He now has a short temper and gets angry when I point out that he's the one that is wrong. I think he got used to me being the one that took care of him and he took advantage.

I never asked for a lot. All I wanted was to go out somewhere every once in a while or get a hug or a kiss. He would get mad at me for being on my phone and ignoring him when he was the one who started ignoring me first. He's allowed to do what he wants and say what he wants but I'm not. I don't even say anything offensive I try to talk about my feelings to him and how he hurt me.

But he turns it around on him as if he is a victim or about how he feels sorry for himself or how I make him feel worse. My intent is not to make him feel worse it's to make him realize how he hurt my feelings and I want him to admit when he's wrong and just apologize.

Our last fight was the worst. I made a comment towards him that he found offensive and it was because he upset me so he got on top of me and grabbed me. I smacked him because I wanted him off me. I then was on the floor and he was still on top of me so I bit him.

And then he pulled my hair. Later he shoved his arm into mine on the bed. I had a few bruises and he even told me he wasn't sorry and that I deserved it. He told me I was the one that was abusive and that I started it by hitting him first which I didn't do.

He still hasn't apologized and keeps saying how I hurt him by saying he was ruining my life when I don't even remember saying that. He calls me names and blames me for things that are not my fault. He even gets mad when I cry or try talking to him about my feelings because it bothers him. He never used to treat me like this and I don't know what happened.

He accuses me of getting bored with him which isn't true. I care more about him than anything else, which is why I put him first. I always made him happy but I got tired of the same cycle.

He always fought with his family and had many issues with them too. I want good things for him because he is used to depression and being around tragedy. How can you make someone realize they do deserve happiness and that they need to change? I asked him to change, but he thinks he shouldn’t have to change who he is. But who he is is not the disorder he has.

When he is sober and takes his medication properly it helps and makes a difference. Before I met him I used to be in a relationship when I was in high school that was also abusive. It only lasted a year. It got controlling and I got fearful of arguments or when people would get angry.

It's natural for anyone to be angry and have emotion, but I have gotten to a point that if anyone gets mad at me I flinch or get scared or get overly apologetic. I always blame myself.

My current boyfriend keeps getting mad and threatening to leave me but I know he doesn't want to leave. He treats me like I betrayed him and acts like it’s my fault that he or the relationship doesn't get better, but it's because he won't help himself.

I lost myself in the process. I find myself afraid to see him because I don't want a fight and I don't want to make him unhappy because I'm unhappy. He said I was always happy to see him but now I feel disappointment that he won't change and that he doesn't appreciate or respect me anymore.

I want to fix this and I'm not the kind of person to give up on myself and my loved ones. I keep bottling up anger and that anger gets directed at him for hurting me and he doesn't understand, or if he does he won't admit to it. It just ends up being all about him and his selfishness.

It's not fair to me or even his family but it's also not fair to himself. I don't know how to be the girl he met that was always happy and that would help because even if I wanted to be, he tears me down and holds grudges.

There is no talking to him. I may vent to my friends, and I have been wanting a therapist. But I also want him to listen, and instead of him hating himself for it I want him to realize he needs to change for the better. I want him to know that you need to put effort into the relationship, and to stop hurting people.

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Feb 28, 2016
It's Not His Depression You Need To Be Concerned About
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. There are a couple of points I want you to consider carefully. I want you to be successful in your efforts, so I'm only going to recommend what I think will actually help.

1) Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. You can't have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic. He has to come this awareness on his own, it can't come from you. And he has to get sober and into recovery, or else there is no chance for him to have a good relationship with anyone.

2) You have your own issues. You are responsible for your actions and aggression with him, regardless of what he may or may not have done. You are in a kind of relationship addiction with him, and your focus needs to be on yourself, not on him.

Please check out this relationship advice, that is right up your alley.

I hope you will follow this advice, and start putting yourself first. Then, when you've made progress with that, you can begin developing positive, loving relationships with other (who are not in active addictions).

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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