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Help Before I Ruin My Life And My Family's Life!

by Randy

My name is Randy and I am a 21 year old male. I know I've had an anger problem since I can remember. Seeing my dad hit my mom when I was a kid or raise his voice and scream used to really scare me.

I don't want my daughter to feel that way and I don't want to be the man he was. I am already becoming just like him and it scares me. I have always broken or hit things when I get angry I guess as a way to release my anger.

That's not anywhere near the proper way to go about doing so and I am aware of it but keep doing it. I have taken an anger management/ domestic violence class before and it worked, but now it's coming back to me.

I have a lot of things I've been through that I just can't forget or let go of, and I know they are the cause of my unhappiness and anger. My wife cheated on me while she was pregnant with my daughter, my mom killed herself, my father left when I was 5, and I saw one of my friends get shot in the head and killed while hunting.

I need help to forget these things or learn to accept them.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Randy, and thanks for telling your story here. You have certainly been through a lot for a young man. It is also clear that you are a good-hearted man, and that you want to be a good father and do the right thing. I will try to help.

Anger can sometimes result from unresolved grief. With that in mind, First, I suggest you try to deal with the losses you have experienced, using the information and techniques described on this page dealing with grief and loss. The greatest of your losses, Randy, was the loss of your mother through suicide. That is hard, no matter what.

When a loved one commits suicide, the victim and killer are the same person, and that makes it hard to grieve. I suggest that you write two letters to your mother, one to the part of her that chose to end her life, and the other to the part of her that you miss and love. Although I don't know the details, usually when someone takes their own life it's because their pain was too great for them to handle any more. In that regard, the suicide was an effort to end her pain, and you can have compassion for that part of her that ended her life.

Also, write a letter to that part of your mother that was good and who loved you, and tell her all that you loved about her. And then tell her goodbye. Hopefully, you feel that she is okay, now that her life is over, and you can be at peace. Celebrate the good things about her and her life, and try to keep your focus there rather than on the pain and confusion of her death.

Finally, work on your own anger, using these steps.

You are worthy of a good life, Randy. Follow this guidance, whichever part feels like a fit for you, and make up your mind to create the life you choose for yourself and your daughter.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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