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Girl With Constant Anger

by Asia
(United States)

I've always had anger problems. Mainly I get it from my dad. My parents separated for good when I was in the 3rd grade.

I never was upset really, I just went through it. They finalized their divorce when I was in 8th grade.

Through school I thought I was a nice person, but people would make me so angry. I would even curse at the teachers and my classmates. When I went to Jr. high, that's when I became a good girl, not getting into trouble or anything.

I had crushes in Jr. high but no one liked me because I was a nerd. I played sports and was really good. Then my friends played a prank call on me pretending that they were boys and asked me out. The next day, my supposedly boyfriend broke up with me. I was Just in 8th grade. All through high school I had crushes, but no one liked me. Because I was a nerd. I didn't care because I was shy anyway.

It changed in my junior year though. I had a crush on this football player, and he liked me too. He asked me out and I told him no let's just be friends. Then by the end of the year he didn't like me anymore. He liked my closest best friend and I was the last to know. My best friend always had boy friends, she was smart, cute, and sexually active. I was so pissed.

But he wanted to have sex with me, and said he did like me at one point.

My senior year in high school, they started going out on my birthday. What a coincidence. They went out all year, and I was still depressed, and with no one. There was my friend who liked me but I just wanted to be friends with him. Anyway, she got pregnant after prom, which I did not attend because I did not want to break down and cry in front of the whole school.

Now they're in love and it is real love. Although I'm happy for her, it's like he was the only boy that I liked who actually liked me back in my entire life. Now I'm going to college, and I really don't want a boyfriend. I'm still a virgin, but I had my first kiss with this boy which was in 11th grade and special to me.

But the worst thing that I ever did because of my anger was throwing my brother out of the car on our way home from his summer school. I made him walk home and my mom cried because she was pissed and hurt, and I did not even feel any emotion when I looked at her. I think I'm going crazy. I have thoughts about killing or hurting myself, my family, or people who teased and hurt me at school. I just don't want to be in an anger management class, because that would be embarrassing. Especially for my mom bragging on me, and now everyone knowing I'm crazy.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Asia, and thanks for telling your story here. From reading what you've written, it is clear to me that you are a bright and good person. I understand that you have anger issues, and that relationships have been difficult for you.

My main purpose here is to help you to feel better about yourself.

I'm going to recommend some exercises, but I only want you to do them if they feel right to you.

Start by writing about your past pain and trauma as described on this page. What this does is to give you a safe, private way of exploring what has happened. Many people find that they feel better after doing this for a few weeks consistently.

Use this process to get free from any negative influence from your dad:

1) Write down all of the ways in which you are like your dad. Look at that list and ask yourself if there's any of those qualities or behaviors you want to keep. In other words, choose what you like from the list, and we're going to help you let go of the part you don't like.

2) Then write down all of the ways you are different from your dad. These are the things that make you unique as an individual. Look at this list, and choose what you like from it.

3) Make a third list, that includes only those things you like from the above two lists.

Now repeat that entire process with your mom, and combine the two lists of the things you like and choose for yourself.

Next, picture both of your parents in front of you. Thank them both for all of the good things they've done for you, leaving nothing out. Then tell them both about the things you didn't like. Get it all out, and write it down--but picture their faces while you're writing. Now tell them, "I'm not your little girl any more. It is time for me to take charge of my life and make my own decisions."

I do not suggest you say these things directly to your parents. This is just for you. I realize you may still live at home under their authority, but you can begin the process of becoming independent emotionally and psychologically even now.

Finally, start training your mind to focus on the good things in your life with the positive journaling exercises described on this page. This might be the most important exercise of all for you.

Believe in yourself, Asia. Use the positive journaling exercise to focus on the good things in you and your life every day for 21 days, and I promise you'll feel a lot better.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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