Fear For The Future
(Menomonee Falls, WI, USA)
Hello, I am a 17 year old girl with a 15 year old brother (let's call him D) who has severe anger issues. I plan to go to college for 4-6 years, but I am afraid that something will happen in my absence, indirectly or directly being D's fault.
Usually, it's just verbal abuse, but when it's really bad and out of control, he starts to get physical. Most of his verbal abuse is downgrading towards both me and our mom. He calls me fat, lazy, ugly etc. but lately it's been more towards Mom. He calls her worthless, selfish, fat, lazy and worse than the deadbeat father who left him.
He thinks that her crying from what he said is a guilt trip to get people to do what she wants. But it's not. Our mother is raising us on her own, suffering from her own major health problems. We help around the house most of the time, but sometimes he retaliates, saying that he shouldn't have to do the chores a parent should be doing. Usually, resulting in an argument about responsibilities, D ends up making Mom cry.
One time not that long ago, he got severely mad over something petty. So basically, he gets paid from our landlord to snow blow. The landlord left the money in the door, and D wasn't home yet, so I put it on Mom's bedside table. Well, he comes in all macho-like saying, "Where's my money?" After me and Mom say that it's here he insists she give it to him.
After Mom saying no over and over (with good reason), he decides to just walk in there and take it, like he owns the place. Now Mom is a big stickler on privacy and personal space and such, therefore she hates it when people walk in as they please. So then, Mom gets angry and demands D to give it back.
A respectful child wouldn't have taken it in the first place, but would've given it back sooner than later right? Not D. He gets all red and gives her the meanest glare a mother should not have to see from her child. One with pure hatred, like he wants her out of his life. Dead.
From that point on, they go back and forth about how “it’s his money not hers” and how “he’s the child, and she’s the adult.” Then, (it’s one of her bad days) after yelling for so long, she screams (literally) at him and says that she doesn't feel good and can't take this stress right now and tells him to give her the money.
He doesn't care. He just gets in her face and yells back about how she should’ve just given it to him in the first place. Escalating, she wanted to hit him (who wouldn’t) but only threatens to. Doesn't actually do it. He taunts her saying things like “go ahead,” “do it,” and “make sure you leave a mark so you go to jail,” (or something along those lines, I don't remember exactly).
Well to shorten this up, he basically starts to get all in her face, like less than an inch away and she tells him to back the f**k up, slightly pushing him by the shoulders, towards his room, telling him he needs to cool down. As I’ve been there the whole time, trying to get in between them, I literally pull him by his shirt collar and try to pull him away from her. I don't succeed, ending up with a black eye.
In my split second of darkness, Mom ends up on the floor at the top of the stairs, shaking with her sobs. I don't remember what happened, but I got up to stop him from advancing towards her anymore. (I think he felt bad for a millisecond because he opened his arms as if to help her get up), but I pushed him away from her asking him whether he really wants her dead and whether he really wants to go live with his deadbeat piece of crap father. He says it’s better than here, with the glare I mentioned before aimed at me. Pure resentment.
Now I did nothing wrong to deserve this look. So I ask him, with tears pouring from the pain in my eye and the pain in my heart, “What happened to you? What happened to my kind, loving, caring brother?” All he does is smirk and shrug his shoulders.
Now I'm speechless. I just shake my head and turn around to help my mother up from the ground, into her bed, so that she can rest. After I help her lay down (because she is in excruciating pain at this moment), he starts to walk down the stairs. I yell after him. “D, if you leave this house, you’re only gonna make things worse than you already have”. He just slams the door and leaves.
My mom, being more fed up than she was before, decides to follow him in the negative degree weather, later coming back because he called her saying that he wasn't where she thought he was and that he’s wasting her time, ending the call with “Oh, by the way, frostbite sets in in 30 minutes.” almost like he wants her to get it.
Just now, as I am crying from writing this, I lie to him. I said “I’m dying” (from choking on air) and he says “Yea, not fast enough” and walks away. Like really, is that how you really feel?
It’s small moments like these that I really truly think I would be better off gone. Not dead (maybe), but gone from his life. Would he really be better off without me? Without mom? Why? Why does he feel this way?
He treats his girlfriend (let’s call her B) better than he does me or mom. I wonder all the time if B knows this side of him, yet I hope that she never will. And the other thing I don't understand is how quickly he can go back to his life like nothing happened.
Well before I decide to write a book about his anger, I will conclude this with my question(s). How can I help change my brother back? How do I know if he even wants to be the person he was before? Is there a way to change him before it’s too late? Is it too late? Can his girlfriend change him? Should I tell her everything? Is it my place to? Why is he so bipolar (is that the word)?
Is there someone out there who can talk to him, a therapist? I don't know what to do. The only thing I do know is I want to know the source(s) of his anger and how I can help fix them before I leave for college, if I still decide to go due to my fear for the future.