Exhausted From The Anger And Drinking

by Anonymous

I'm in my mid 50's. Been married once 30-ish years ago and recently got married about 7 months ago. My 2nd marriage, his 3rd. Kids are all out of the house for both of us.

My husband has anger issues. About 2-3 times a month we have a blow up. That may not seem like a lot, but it takes a week to move past it, so we just have a few good days and it happens again.

When this happens, he either has had some alcohol or will have some, making it worse. He is unable to just get angry and get over it, he will keep having minor eruptions for several days sometimes. This last one was because I commented on a comment he made to someone when we were out. That cost $50 at the bar he went to, then $150 for a tow truck to get him out of a ditch. He does not get physical.

I'm not regretting getting married, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this either, obviously. I'm sure he doesn't either.

I'm not able to talk to him because that escalates things again really quickly. I feel the only way to talk about finding a solution is to sit down in an email and talk about things so that I don’t have to pre-talk about everything I want to say in person (in my mind first) and worry about setting him off again.

He does have issues with feeling personally insulted by people and that’s one thing that will be a hot spot for him. I guess when I commented on his comment he feels he has the right to say whatever he wants to because it’s his opinion, but we can’t discuss the opinion and I'm not able to say anything about it.

It really doesn't matter what the hot spot is, it’s how things get handled and how 2 people are able to work through it, and we have a horrible time getting through it.

I've had this with my dad, first husband and son. I've dealt with my own anger issues. 5 years ago I quit my career and tried consciously to deal with it better. Reading more positive quotes, pictures, I'm very involved in herbs and making my own tea and tinctures. I was able to get off of Xanax.

I've done everything I can think of to not be that angry explosive person, so to be around it so much (husband, and my son lives next door) is draining me physically, emotionally and spiritually. He has on a few occasions gotten me so cornered with his anger that I have exploded and I hate more than anything to lose to that emotion like that.

I just want to know if there is a way to not set someone off that has so much underlying anger due to things that have happened in their life. I don't want to be divorced from him, nor do I want to live our life together where the majority of it is being angry or recovering from having been angry.

By the way, he says it’s not anger...he is hurt and that's why he reacts the way he does. So, I guess in that way even though the 2 are closely related, it’s a form of denial?

I really like this site so far, and at the very least I can learn what I can do to stay healthy inside and out.