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Emotionally And Mentally Abused By Functioning Alcoholic

by Peggy
(Sacramento California)

I have been married to a functioning alcholic for 25 years who works and pays all the bills. We have a home with no value. He will never change.

He has hit me in the past around 6 years ago. He has anger outbursts and calls me bad names. He yells so loud that the neighbors can hear. It is embarrassing and hurtful. I'm embarrassed when I see my neighbors.

He was caught recently cheating on me and tells me he will never change. Since he can't hit me he abuses me mentally. He has such hatred for me. He's at work much of the time and I become scared when the weekend approaches.

I want to see a lawyer to have him sign paperwork for alimony and retirement benefits. He is getting ready to retire soon and I feel that his behavior is so unpredictable that I need to protect myself. I have not been able to hold down a job because of his abuse.

It carries over to my work and I have become very sensitive and cry at work when things go wrong then I end up not performing my job like I know I can. He then gains control because he is the main breadwinner. He's got me trapped.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Peggy, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm glad you're looking at ways to take care of yourself. That is the key.

However, I get that you feel you can't work, and that your husband's abuse is the reason. That being the case, it would appear that the only chance you have for a good life with any quality is to get out of this relationship. I know, that's easier said than done, but it still appears to be the fact of the matter. With your husband being both alcoholic and abusive and not seeking help for himself, the chance of things getting better are basically zero.

However, this is obviously your decision. This page will help you to think through your situation and decide the next steps to take: what to do about your abusive relationship.

I hope this is helpful to you Peggy. The most important thing for you to realize is that you're not a victim, even though you feel trapped. When you begin taking responsibility for your situation, and acting in your own best interest (like seeing a lawyer), you're stepping out of the victim position and taking responsibility.

Make up your mind that you're going to create a good life for yourself, and you step at a time.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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