Drug Abuse, Anger, Self Loathing And Destruction
(Belfast Northern Ireland)
I am a 30 year old woman with a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both boys. I seem to be so verbally angry and aggressive as if I have no control. I know I'm evil. My 5 and half yr relationship is ending for real.
I've no friends and never have had. I always think back to being a child crying constantly to my parents about having no friends. They felt sorry for me. I am the only girl and have 4 brothers.
My mum was always bad with her nerves. She was in and out, and once was away for 6 months. I adore her and she really has not had a great life, but I am exactly the way she was and still is a bit.
I moved 25 miles away where I work and where the kids' dad is from, but everything has fallen apart. He's leaving, and I really don't know if I care. I have always more or less been on my own. I have a really bad attitude, very aggressive and abusive. I am violent to him. I can't control my self one bit. I just say the most hurtful nasty crude evil unforgiving things, and I know I will kill myself with regret.
That's why I don't have any friends. I am so aggressive and cheeky. I always thought I was confident, but I am so insecure I don't know what to do with my life.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Katy, and thanks for telling your story here. Growing up with your mum having problems, away from home off and on, is a difficult beginning. Her problems with her nerves also influenced you, even to the point that you say that you are exactly the way she was. I also hear you loud and clear that you don't feel good about yourself, and that you're angry and aggressive way too much of the time.
I want to congratulate you for being a survivor, Katy. You've made it this far, and I want you to consider that things might get better from here. Just consider the possibility. I also want to congratulate you for being strong and wise enough to acknowledge that you feel insecure inside.
You mentioned drug abuse in your title, but not in your story. If you're using drugs or alcohol, I suggest you sign up for this alcohol and drug abuse recovery class. It's an online program, and it just might work for you. Otherwise, or in addition, join a Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous group in your area. None of these other methods of healing will work very well for you if you continue with substance abuse.
Anger and aggression has been your way of surviving, your way of making it day to day. You've become a fighter, and that has worked for you in some ways, but not in others. That's not going to go away all at once, because you wouldn't know who you were or what to do without that at this point. I'm going to recommend some things, however, that you can do to begin a slow, steady process of healing and positive change. These tools will work, if you use them. Like any tools, you need to practice them to get good with them, and if you don't use them they are worthless to you.
I encourage you to try everything I recommend, at the very least for one month. This might seem hard, but it's not nearly as hard as what you've already been doing--it's just different, and it will help you feel better.
Start by doing all of the exercises recommended on this FAQ page designed to help you start healing your anger. It is also very important that you do the exercises described in #9 on our FAQ page, which are designed to help you become emotionally independent from your mother and father. This is an especially important step for you, Katy. You are not your mum, and you don't have to carry her illness any more.
When you were a child, you unconsciously took on your mother's problems, because you wanted her to be well and happy. It's time to give those back to her (it won't hurt her). It's not your job to take care of your mother any more (emotionally, that is). It sounds like she's better now, so it's your turn to get better yourself.
You are a brave and good person inside, Katy, even though you don't feel that way. When you're doing the positive journaling, be sure and write about what you appreciate about yourself, and also write about the future self you want to become. This will really help you.
You can do this, Katy. You've got what it takes. Do it for you, and for your children.
Write again, if you like--I'm pulling for you.
My very best to you,