Divorce Destroyed My Family And My Ontology
I'm almost 50 and I've struggled with anger all my life. My parents divorced when I was three, and for years I didn't realize how much this impacted me. After all, "the kids are OK if the adults are happy," right? But I wasn't OK and never really understood why.
They both remarried and went on to new families. I was left behind emotionally. Sure, my physical needs were always met. But I was an outsider where ever I went. My parents had rejected each other, which meant they had rejected 1/2 of me. I felt this acutely but could not articulate it. And of course nothing in the professional literature indicated just how bad divorce really is for kids.
I know now that it tears a child's ontology into two pieces. It's not hard to understand this. The parents are the origins of the child. When they are one, this is a representation of the child and his origins. But when my parents split up, I no longer felt unified on the inside.
Having my ontology torn into two was a form of torture. Worse, I had to watch as my mother created an intact family for her new daughter. So I had this unarticulated feeling of constant rejection (rejection of half of me, the half that was from my father), and this made me feel very angry. It was flipped when I was at my father's house--the half of me that represented my mother was rejected. Having half of myself rejected no matter which home I was in was like being an appendage. It was torturous.
I want my family back. I don't want all those step-parents and step-children complicating my life, muddying my ontology. I don't want to have to choose between my parents on holidays and birthdays. It's not fair and is very unequal.
Their parents didn't make those kinds of demands on them, yet they demanded it of me. I want them to pay for what they did, for how they made me feel, for gas-lighting me all those years... "Why are you so cranky all the time?" I was cranky because you were constantly rejecting the other half of me!
And you lied about it, saying I'd be OK. You lied, living as if your happiness was more important than mine, falsely believing that I'd be happy if you were happy. You lied, saying that the other parent was too horrible for you to live with, but sent me there to navigate their world alone. Parents are supposed to sacrifice for their children, not the other way around.
So yes, I have wanted revenge all these years but never saw that in myself until today. I don't know why it took me this long to see it.