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Breaking It Off

by Anonymous

Well, this isn't for me, but I think my friend is too scared to even think about this. First thing I'm going to say is that I love the girl that I'm trying to help. Her ex-boyfriend won't let her see other people. He has threatened both her, and anyone she would ever be with.

I can't stand to see her this way. If he ever touches her I don't know what I will do, so I need to find a way for her to get away from him before he hurts her, or I hurt him.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your contribution. I can certainly understand why you're concerned about your friend. That must be very difficult for you and for her. No one likes being threatened like that, and it can be very frightening. I also get that you are feeling very protective of her, and that makes sense, because you love her. The protective instinct is strong.

You say you need to find a way for her to get away from him. You need to talk to her about that. You can't protect anyone who won't protect herself--unless that person is a child. You and your friend need to come up with a plan together about how to take care of this. Check into the possibility of a restraining order if there have been physical threats.

It is important that you give your friend responsibility for her own welfare, and support her in any way you can. If you bypass her and go after her ex-boyfriend, you could end up hurting yourself. You have to take care of yourself in this, and not put your friend's well being above your own.

Get with your friend, and the two of you come up with the outcome you would like for this whole situation. Keep your focus on that, and take action in that direction.

I wish you all the best as you keep your focus on taking care of yourself, trusting your friend, and pursuing your chosen outcome.

Dr. DeFoore

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Comments for Breaking It Off

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Jan 01, 2010
Ex-boyfriend Problems
by: Anna Murphy

When my ex-husband threatened me, I started to look into Women's Resource Centers. If your friend is intimidated by her ex, the woman's centers can help her to become a stronger woman. A lot of woman have been conditioned as children to be kind of submissive to a violent man. Abusive people sometimes use fear to control. A lot of women's shelters and resource centers offer support groups to victims of domestic violence. If she is suffering from battered person syndrome, she will need help to get through it. I think it is important that she knows she is not alone.

Also, it's always good to try to heal from abusive past relationships before getting into another relationship. When I first met my present husband I sometimes made the mistake of being too leery of him because I'd had a bad experience with my ex in the past. It wasn't fair. He did the same thing to me because of a bad experience he had had with his ex wife. It was a sad cycle. We both went into recovery to get over how we had been hurt by other people, and our relationship improved. Being in recovery together was the key.

I feel for your friend. I've been there. I also feel for you. I have a good feeling about you two.

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