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Blind Rage

by Darragh

So I'm only 16, and I've been very angry and aggressive for a number of years now. I've been boxing the last 6 years. I simply joined because I was a weed.

But anyway I have a problem with authority. It's kind of hard for me to admit it. I hate being accused of doing something that I did not do--this really sets me off.

Every day is a different story for me. I always seem to be arguing with my mom/stepdad, well mainly my stepdad. or even some teachers. I know by this stage you might think I'm some sort of unmannerly brat, but I am actually a nice guy and people complement my manners regularly.

I have got counseling in school before but that was bad. I am now getting counseling every two weeks.

Now I'll try get to the point. When someone says something to me (trying to correct me--mainly teachers or parents), I try to take it on board without getting into conflict. But when I try to say my side of the story, no one understands. And they keep trying to get the answer they want to hear.

I have had a number of conflicts where blind rage has kicked in and I can vaguely remember what happened. Here are some examples:

1. Two parents giving out to me, will not listen to what I"m trying to say--something snapped inside and I started shouting louder than I could if I tried. Then I punched the wall with strength I could never have had, my fist went through the plaster board and hit the blocks on the other side, I felt no pain whatsoever.

2. School teacher blamed me for doing something I didn't--again something snapped, I punched a solid wall and felt no pain.

3. At school today, teacher saying I interrupted and mocked people. I was sitting at the top of our small class with my head down minding my own business. Next thing I know I was told get outside then sent to the office, where both the principal and teacher were saying I was lying and I mocked someone. And the teacher said I had no manners towards him when he corrected me. I agreed that I had no manners towards him particularly. Then after 10 minutes of them telling me this and that, I felt like there was a tear about to be shed and then I snapped left school and went home.

Crying--I don't cry. I can't even remember the last time I've cried, it's been so long. My counselor says it's good to cry as there is toxin in your tears which build up causing stress..and still I don't cry.

Well, that was my story.

Thanks for reading.


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Darragh, and thanks for telling your story here. I believe you when you say you're a nice guy, and it's clear that you don't like how your anger comes out. I will do my best to help you.

One thing is, it sounds like no one is listening to you. For what it's worth, I'm listening, and so are the other people who will read your story on this site.

I hear that you're not being heard, that you don't get to tell your side of things. I hear that you're being accused of things that you didn't do. I hear that you feel so angry that your voice is louder than you thought it could be, and that you hit things with a strength you didn't know you had. I hear loud and clear that you "snap" and sometimes only vaguely remember what happened afterwords. And I hear that you don't cry, and haven't for a very long time.

I'm glad you're getting some counseling, and it sounds like your counselor cares about you. That is good. Stick with it, and it will help.

I'm going to suggest some things that will help you heal your anger, and it may also help you to grieve over the pain you've been through. It sounds to me like you're really hurting inside.

1) First, I suggest you do the writing exercise on this page, which will help you explore the pain you've been through in your life. This is just for you, Darragh, so don't worry about what you write. Just get it out, in full detail. It will really help you.

2) Then write daily from your anger, using the techniques on this page. The point of this is that your anger needs to have a place to go. Let it pour out on the paper, without worrying about how it might look or sound to someone else.

3) You might want to share some or all of what you write with your counselor. That's up to you. You will benefit from the writing, even if you don't share it with anyone.

You really need to be heard and understood, Darragh, and it sounds like your counselor might be the only person in your life that is really listening. If that's true, be sure and open up with him/her as much as possible.

While you're writing about your pain and trauma, you may feel like crying. That's good. Crying is a wonderful release, and if you can cry I think it will help you control your anger and rage.

Believe in yourself, Darragh. You're a good person with a good heart.

Feel free to write again on this site.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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