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I'm quite a happy person and I'm blessed with 3 beautiful children. But sometimes I blow up at the smallest thing and say the most hurtful things and swear at them. My 6 year old daughter has gone to school in tears because of me losing my temper. Then I spend all day feeling guilty, crying and promising I won't do it again.
But I know I'm damaging them in the long run as I know they'll grow up remembering the things I've said. It is abuse on some levels and I feel that when I'm like this I don't deserve them.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Emma, and thank you for asking for help on this site. It is very good that you want help, and that you want to do the right thing for your children. You are the most important person in their lives, and for that reason, you have more ability to help them than anyone on the planet.
I truly hear the pain you feel over having hurt your precious children. Your pain and guilt are there because you are a good person, and you love your children.
The best gift you can give your children is to be a healthy mother. So, I will give you some guidelines to follow, so that you can get healthy and be the kind of mother that you want to be.
This is not a matter of whether you deserve your children or not. You already have your children--now, the focus is how to be a good mother to them. Don't allow your guilt or self-negation take you away from the responsibility you have for them.
Here is what I recommend:
1) Begin doing the writing exercises on this page, starting with the "Trauma Writing." Your anger has a story behind it, and that story needs to be told. Be sure and do the other journaling processes on that page as well. This will really help you, Emma--but only if you do the journaling exactly as recommended.
2) To help you with the emotional healing you need, use these imagery processes, which will actually give you the ability to heal your own emotional wounds. These are powerful exercises, and if you use them they will literally heal the pain that is causing your anger.
3) There are many excellent audio programs on this site which you can download (or purchase the CD), which will help you with your healing and learning process.
Your children need to look into your eyes and see a woman who loves herself, Emma. If you let it, the guilt you feel will actually make your anger worse. Please do not allow that to happen.
I truly believe you are a good person, Emma, because of what you have written here. Believe in yourself and the goodness in your heart. Keep that focus as you use my recommendations to heal your emotional wounds and become more and more the woman and mother you choose to be.
My very best to you,
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