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Hi there, I'm writing to you, because there is no one else I can talk to about feeling as if someone will take my children away. I love them more than life itself.
I'm married to a 43 year old man. He always thinks he knows best and and in some ways I think he is trying to brainwash me. I have two previous relationships where I have been a victum of domestic violence.
I found this man and fell in love, had 3 wonderful children. 5, 2 and 1 years old.
5 years of marriage, and I'm fed up with it. I feel trapped and nowhere to go. We fight and argue all the time and it can be over the stupidest thing. I feel as if he is always trying to make out I'm a psycho, but I'm not. I'm great when he is not around.
I really want to leave him but he moved into my house and since we been married his name had to go on the tenancy, and he refuses to leave. He has hit me 4 times and 2 of those times I have been pregnant. I say the most horrible things to him, that's why he hits me. I say them because there is nothing I can do to hurt him, and I need to stop it.
If I never had great kids I would have tried to commit suicide. I lost my brother 7 years ago at 17 yrs and I never got over his death, and I'm still angry about that. I also lost an unborn baby at 4 months and always ask questions why it happened. I still have no answers why it happened.
My kids don't listen to me because I find myself shouting too much. I have ocd and find myself cleaning all the time. I'm perpetually cleaning after my husband too. He is the most unclean person I have ever met, and now I am not attracted to him. He hugs me and his breath is so bad I just cringe.
I want to run away but he will find me, and he said he would stop me anyway he has too. He says I have psychotic symptoms. I know I get stressed very easy and very quickly and angry.
I don't lash out on kids at all, although I shout at them if they don't do as they are told and smack them on the hand if they do anything dangerous. But my hubby says I need to smack them all the time when naughty because we need to mold them. I want to smack them because they are my babies, and I understand that kids need to punished, but I think he is over the top.
Please can you help me, because I can't leave. I'm having to put up with staying here. I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Sandie, and thanks for telling your story here. I respect your willingness to admit that you are part of the problem, even though you feel like a victim to your husband. I will try to help.
First you need to address your own anger, using the tools described on this FAQ page. I encourage you to use these, because whether you realize it or not, your anger is hurting you, your children and your marriage. I'm not denying any of your husband's problems, I'm just addressing your responsibility, because you have a lot of freedom to make a difference.
And please stop hitting your children. A light tap on the hand may be okay once in a while, but in general, it has been found that punishing children does more harm than good. You will find a lot of other ideas about how to discipline your children on the following pages.
I suggest that you read the following page on parenting: help for angry parents.
Use this information, Sandie, and practice these skills, and your situation will improve. You are a good person, and that's why you reached out for help here. Make up your mind to be the best person you can be.
My very best to you,
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