Anger, Fear, And Self Loathing
Hi, I am not sure how to start this out, however I can tell you I have plenty to be angry about from childhood on through today. None the less I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am at the point that I absolutely hate myself. Truly and deeply hate myself.
I don't know why I internalize my anger on myself--well, while typing this sentence, it came to me. I internalize my anger because I don't want to hurt anyone else. Too late for that though.
I have gotten to where when I am angry to the point I can feel my physical straining, I tend to say mean, vengeful, spiteful, and mostly hurtful things to the ones I love the most.
Recently, it has even been coming out towards my children, a 13 yr old and a 4 yr old. That adds to the hate I feel towards myself, because I don't want to have my kids feel as adults as I do because of me, or any reason at all for that matter.
I have emotionally hurt my boyfriend, and that also kills me inside once the moment has passed. I think I identify with the song Pink wrote and sings called, "Please Don't Leave Me."
I looked up the lyrics, and at first I didn't really like what the words were saying, but after taking an honest inventory, I realized I didn't like them because they hit home like an atom bomb.
I have the lowest self esteem of anyone I have ever known, and that is part of my anger problem. I get so freaking angry with myself and it in turn is released to my loved ones.
I put up a great front at work, my customers would never in a million years think I am or ever could be as volatile as I am. They think I am a great person, because I go above and beyond to help them.
It makes me feel good to bring joy to others. Unfortunately when I get home, I become the self-loathing monster that I truly am, and especially when I have PMS I have no sense of self restraint, rhyme or reason at times to go off like I do.
I know I have a lot of pressure in my life, and I also know I need an outlet. I do physical labor at work as well, and I have noticed when I can't get outside due to weather conditions, and I am forced to stay in the office at work all day, I become unbearable, but when I can be outside taking care of 75,000 sq ft of property, I am much, much more pleasant when I get home.
That doesn't mean I can't turn one little comment into something negative and personal--I will, and run with it until it is worn out.
Please help me get started on some way of helping myself. I do have insurance, by the grace of the powers that be. However to be honest, I have such low self esteem, I won't keep appointments because I overbook myself to help others, and don't or I should say won't put my needs before the needs of others.
I fail myself and ignore my own needs, wants and desires to the point I wind up sick, penniless, and frustrated with myself for not sticking to a plan I had set up that would include myself along with other responsibilities.
I could go on and on and on, but I think I should give you a rest. Please help me, set me in the right direction, and let me thank you in advance.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Paulia, and thanks for telling your story here. I want to suggest something to you. Be aware that a very strong part of your brain is going to tell you that I'm completely wrong and have no idea what I'm talking about. That part of your brain will tell you that I don't know you, and if I did I would see that I'm totally wrong. I want you to put that voice off to the side, and let it talk all it wants. Listen to what I'm saying with the other part of your brain--the one who had enough hope to reach out and write your story on this site.
Okay, here goes. You said, "It makes me feel good to bring joy to others." That's because when you bring joy to others, you are connecting with who you really are inside. I know that you think your real, authentic self is bad, but that's just not true.
You know how bad it feels when you're hurting and hating yourself? Misery, right? You know how bad it hurts when you're hurting your children? You know that misery, don't you.
Well, the reason that feels so miserable is because it doesn't line up with who you really are and why you're here.
When you are bringing joy to others it feels good to you because it does line up with who you really are.
Here's the deal...and a lot of people don't realize this. Your emotions are perfectly designed to let you know when you're on track with your true nature, and when you're off track. So, when you're bringing joy to others it feels good because it connects with your true nature and purpose. When you go into anger, hatred and low self esteem, it feels so bad because it does not connect with who you really are.
So, here are some exercises that will, as you requested, set you in the right direction.
Paulia, you have a very powerful and well developed self-sabotage system running. The daily anger and goodfinding journaling processes will help you to disable that self sabotage program, but it will take some time and consistent effort on your part. When you review what you've written from your anger, you will see self sabotage all through there.
I just happen to know that you can do this if you make up your mind to.
As you might have guessed, I don't always offer quite this much help to everyone who writes their story on this site. I sense that there is something strong in you, Paulia, and I think you may be ready to change and become who you were born to be.
Believe in the goodness in your heart.
My very best to you,
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