Anger Destroying Marriage
(Jacksboro, TX USA)
For years now, I've been so angry. I thought I could handle it. I've never asked for help in my entire life. I was always the one to help. And now for the third time in my marriage, my wife has left me and told me that she was afraid of me.
I've never laid a hand on her but I've been pretty verbal. My wife means the world to me. Without her I'm nothing, and I don't want to lose her. I want to know if I can solve this by taking control of my anger issues--or am I just out of luck as usual?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
You are not out of luck. You did the right thing by reaching out for help on this site. The reason you are asking for help and wanting to change is that you are a good person. Your anger toward your wife doesn't match up with who you really are or how you want to be.
I know you think you're nothing without her, but that is just not true. If you respect her, you have to respect her choice to be with you and marry you. She saw something of value in you--see if you can figure out what that is, and see the value in yourself. The best thing you can do for your marriage and for your anger problems is to see the goodness in your own heart.
Here's what I want you to do:
1)Write down all of the things you're angry about. Let it pour out of you. Your anger has to have a place to go, and this is the best way. Then if you want, you can destroy the paper--or delete the document on your computer. You have good reasons for your anger, but you don't want it to be in charge of your thinking or your actions.
2)Then write about all of the things you appreciate about your wife and yourself, and the life you have together. Go into as much detail as you possibly can here. When you do this, you will be connecting with who you really are--a good person who is able to love and appreciate.
3)Eat well, exercise, get out in nature, read inspirational books, pray, or do anything else you can think of that gives you comfort and relief. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to manage your anger.
4)Make up your mind that you are going to become the best person you can possibly be--and remember that comes from inside you.
Read everything on this site that holds any interest for you. If you make up your mind to heal your anger and become more completely the person you are and want to be, you will succeed. Take one step at a time, and you will get there. Never give up on yourself. You can do this.
Feel free to write more on this site. The people who write regularly, and comment on the stories of others seem to get the most benefit.
My best to you, Brandon.