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Anger At Myself For Being So Stupid

by Nan

I dated a man that I felt--and just knew--that he would be the one. He was married, told me he was divorced. I feel so betrayed and wonder how someone could do that to another. I don't understand how he could put me through this.

I am angry for the lies, the time that was wasted, the emotions I felt and now they are like a stab in my gut. And I think what makes me more angry than anything is the starting over. I am so tired of new relationships even though I haven't had that many since my divorce.

I know I will regroup and get on with life. My sister has helped a lot. She taught me where to go online and find out about marriages, divorces, taxes (whose names the property is in), etc. I guess I am also angry because the world is cruel and there are people out there who aren't truthful, their goals aren't normal, they could hurt so many and well, I don't know what makes them tick.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Nan. You are not stupid. It is smart to trust people, and that sometimes means getting let down. You are learning from your experience, and you will be better at choosing partners in the future.

I agree with everything you have said about the world, and all of the people who are hurting others. There is no shortage of horrible things going on, in our personal lives and in the world around us. And betrayal, broken relationships and starting over are particularly painful.

I encourage you not to give in to despair. The reason you object to what this man did to you, and the reason you feel like you do about the world around you is that you are a good person--you have a brighter vision. Focus on that, and try some of these exercises:

1) Journal daily from your anger and frustration, just to "get it out." Of course, you can skip this part if you're not feeling angry.

2) Journal about what is good, right and working in your life. Keep a daily journal of gratitude for the past, appreciation of the present, and optimism about your future. This will help you a lot.

3) Look at and choose to focus on the positive aspects of your life. You don't have to ignore the things you don't like, just don't dwell on them. Every time you have a negative thought, gently and firmly shift your focus with, "Yes, that's true--but what is good, right and working right now?"

You might be interested in my Goodfinding Newsletter which is designed to help with this shift.

Most important of all, do not give up on yourself, or call yourself stupid ever again. You are a brilliant woman, and you're getting smarter every day through your experience. Keep telling yourself that.

Believe in yourself. Focus on your gifts and strong points.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore
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