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Am I Provoking My Angry Husband?

by Vivian
(Fresno , CA)



My husband and I have been married for 22 yrs. He is my best friend, provider, and a great father.

However, in the years we've been married I've seen him having many anger issues. Although I'm not perfect and maybe provoke arguments, when that side of him comes out it is scary.


He has never hit me, but he has thrown things, hit the walls, and called me names during his rage. There is no stopping him until he decides it’s over.

These episodes are not daily but once to three times a year. So I never know if an argument will end up in one of his crazy angry breakouts.

I have also seen him angry at strangers when he goes off, or if someone takes his parking spot. He never gets physical but he’s verbally abusive.

He always says he's sorry, especially to our kids. He is open to getting help, which he has done in the past when I tell him I will leave him. He's gone to anger management and we have gone to couples therapy but that was long ago.

He did say he was going to get help but he never followed up on it. At this point I’m questioning our marriage. I’m also wondering if I need to better myself, so don't provoke him to this point.

I'm so confused but tired of this. Please help me.

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Jul 01, 2015
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His Anger Is Not Your Fault
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Vivian

It's good that you want to look at your part of the problem, and take responsibility for your behavior in your marriage.

However, no matter what you do, you are not responsible for your husband's consistent and recurring anger...that's on him. And apparently he knows that, but has not taken the action to correct it. Hopefully he will.




It would be great if you could get a copy of this audio program (above) and listen to it with your husband. He sounds like a good man, and hopefully he will make the right decision and seek help.

Meanwhile, if the only thing that gets him to seek help is for you to threaten to leave, then maybe there's a message for you there. Which is, as long as you stay, he may not get better or get help.

Unfortunately, this is what often happens. Your efforts to not upset him give him the impression that he is justified in his angry, aggressive behavior.

Trust yourself to take the best possible action, for your own sake and the sake of your children. It's up to you at this point to make the necessary changes to create safety in your home and family.

I think you'll do the right thing.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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