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Am I In An Abusive Situation?
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. During the first seven years, my biggest complaint was that he seemed to think a woman's job is house cleaning and I should do it all even though we both work full time jobs.
He also would just sit in front of the TV and never want to go anywhere. After years of trying to talk to him about things, I finally started losing my cool and began yelling and screaming at him during arguments.
During the past year, when I try to talk to him and it escalates to yelling (there are times I might be animated or emotional but I do not see what I am doing as yelling, yet he still says I am yelling...) and he has told me to stop yelling at him.
If I don't - here are the incidents - he has pushed me to the ground and put a sock in my mouth to shut me up, slammed on the breaks while driving so my body slammed against the seat belt so hard I hurt for weeks afterwards and was concerned about whiplash - during this same incident he lunged over to choke me and I had a hand print to prove it.
He slapped me once and choked me again. I am not sure if my yelling is provoking him (he says he doesn't want the neighbors to hear me yelling at him and he is tired of being yelled at and says he's trying to knock some sense into me.)
He makes me feel as if it is my fault - like he had to to shut me up. There are times I will just be talking to him and trying to raise an issue and he accuses me of yelling at him and walks off. Is it really my fault - is he justified in what he has done?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You are definitely in an abusive situation. Whatever yelling you might be doing provides no excuse for his physical aggression towards you.
You are in the classic "battered woman" syndrome, blaming yourself when you should be getting yourself out of the relationship and into a safe situation. Any time anyone says that they're trying to "knock some sense into you," just leave.
If you feel you need help doing this, contact your local family services center, and find out about women's shelters.
Your anger is not the problem. You're angry because you're being controlled, disrespected and abused. I don't think you would be angry if you were not in an abusive relationship.
Please read this page in detail, and follow the recommendations:
battered wife syndrome
Also learn about building your self esteem, which will help with everything.
Do this for yourself. If you wait, and hope that things get better, it will only get worse.
Believe in yourself and the goodness of your heart, and take positive action on your own behalf.
My very best to you,
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