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Am I Being Abused And Can This Be Fixed?

by Anonymous
(CA)

My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together. We have 3 children with us, sharing only one child.

We have been in our relationship for a little over 2 years now. Recently as he provided a place for us (his family) he started having more of an "I don't care" attitude.

We have been on thin ice for about a year as I've been trying to make him realize how irresponsible he has been as a father. He's never physically hurt me, but he forces me to listen to him when I just want him to leave me alone.

A year ago as I walked away from him to avoid an argument, he pushed me back a few steps in public. I was upset and left him for a short while. He begged and begged and assured me he would never put his hands on me again.

I will admit that I have a very short temper but I feel like he knows that and intentionally pushes my buttons. A couple of weeks ago, I was packing my clothes to leave because we had yet another argument, he stood in front of me and wouldn't let me pack my clothes.

I kept trying to push him out of the way but of course he is stronger. To stop me, he pinned me down on the ground by my wrists and would not let me go until I told him his kids were watching. His excuse was "he was trying to calm me down." I left. Again he begged and begged and swore that he would never touch me again.

I believed him. He also forces me to have sex with him at 4am when I'm in the middle of my sleep. I continuously ask him to stop and he tells me he will let me go to sleep when I have sex with him. So I do. I'm not sure if that's considered abuse.

A few days ago, again he wanted to talk about our problems. I didn't want to because my daughter's grandparents were coming from 6 hours away to bring her Christmas gifts. As I was rushing wrapping their gifts, he kneeled on my wrapping paper then took the gift away from me. He would not give it back after several times of asking him to return it to me.

As I kept trying to take it from his hand, he kept shoving me. I was also getting frustrated so after many attempts, I hit him on the back of the head. He yelled at me, turned me around, and put his arm around my neck tightly leaving me sore the next day. I was shaking after he released me.

As I walked into my daughter's room to wake her up so we could leave, she was under her blankets crying in fear. This broke my heart. I since have moved in with my sister and have not seen him. He keeps begging me and crying desperately again and swears he will never put his hands on me again, but I refuse to have my daughter in that fear.

He has been making excuses and saying he's not an abuser and tells me he loves me and everything else I want to hear. He makes it sound so believable that at times I feel sorry for him. But deep down I know that's what he wants.

What should I do? I know I shouldn't have hit him first. But I HAVE to listen to him when he wants me to or he won't leave me alone.

Is it possible for him to change? Can this relationship work or should I let go?

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Jan 12, 2015
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Trust Yourself And Follow Through
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello -- You've already made the right decision by getting away from this man. And yes, he has been abusive to you. I'm sure you do your part to add to the problems, but that doesn't change what is really going on here. He is physically dominating you, and using manipulation to get you to have sex when you don't want to.

In terms of there being hope for him...that his concern, not yours. Your concern is yours and your daughter's safety. He will only get better if he voluntarily seeks out therapy and follows through with it for several years.

Most men like your boyfriend do not get help. They tend to do exactly what he's doing...abuse you, apologize & make promises, then abuse you again.

You know the right thing to do. Do it for your daughter if you can't do it for yourself.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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