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Again, Again, And Again Will It Ever Stop?

by Jeffrey
(Eureka, CA)

My story is one that moves fast and furious. It starts online using a single site. It was a wonderful thing at first. We seemed to click and get along right from the start.

Everything I was looking for in a partner, she proclaimed to be. My life before this was complicated by betrayal, dishonesty, commitment issues that I will admit it affected me in ways of not trusting anyone, let alone wanting to be emotionally close to anyone ever again.

When I first met my current partner we had many discussions on what and who we were looking for and what we wanted and needed in life. It was so amazing that we were both looking for the same qualities and beliefs in a person. Everything felt so right emotionally, physically full filling.

In the progression of our relationship, I confessed to my partner the issues I have due to my past relationship. Being the helpful and giving person she is, she let me in on some private personal information of hers in the hopes that I would try and let go of the painful resentments and issues I had been carrying for several years. In time I did address the issues and let them go in the only way I could. I felt so much better in my everyday life it was amazing. I told her many times " I can't remember being so happy day to day".

The problems starting surfacing when we progressed to the point of living together. It was at this time I started finding out about guys she met on the computer and she was still talking to, texting, meeting, and sending pictures. I also read emails and other forms of electronic communication telling those guys the same things she told me in private, during before or after making love. The type of things that make you feel good about yourself, cared for, loved, cherished and special (like no other). I had always asked about her past guy friends, and she would tell me she doesn't have any of those guy friends she talks to on a regular basis. Well come to find out she had too many to count.

The real problem for me comes in the form of each time I found out about one and what she was doing, I would ask her to tell me the truth, and are there any more guys. I always got the same reply, "No, there are no more." and, "I wouldn't hurt you like that." It was the fact there were more and she was hurting me each and every time I found out about a new guy and the particular details associated with him.

Well as sad as it is, there were more. We are now up to 6 different guys I found out about. My hurt and pain truly comes from the fact that she knew about my past and how my last relationship had affected my life. It was such a negative I lost everything I knew and loved. She got me to release the issues I had about trust, communication, honesty, and commitment. I have a hard time trusting that she did that to help me. It seems like it was to further her mind games of guilt and manipulation so she could continue what she was doing. She knew I wouldn't approve of the relationships she was still having with them.

All details aside I'm at the point of looking at the past year of our relationship trying to determine what was true and honest about it. I feel so bad inside. I have feelings of being scared, frustrated, confused, shocked, hostile, furious, sad, embarrassed, foolish, dumb, withdrawn, isolated, hopeless, revengeful, and justified in exercising power and control over her.

I love to talk and communicate, and I haven't been with anyone in months. I don't even feel I can talk to any of my friends, because I would always talk about her as being the best true and honest caring, understanding, kind and compassionate. So for me to confess our problems to them is very hurtful and embarrassing to me. I know the use of power and control is not healthy for any long lasting relationship. To tell you the truth it doesn't even bring me any relief. I spend more time and energy applying it, than the good or relief I thought I would get in return.

I have accepted her numerous apologies and said I forgive her, but I'm finding that to be harder than I thought. My first and most reason for concern is her behavior is still basically the same. Her words are most definitely the same and don't have much meaning or worth at all. And is this another one of her methods to manipulate me in to letting my guard down so she can continue or start up her Internet and attention behavior again? I am constantly questioning every thing she does or doesn't do.

I find myself being hyper sensitive, over-critical, fault-finding, and so far removed from what our relationship was. As much as I want to move forward in life for our relationship or alone I'm stuck! I've been reading any and everything I can find to try and figure out what I need to get past this. My health is a great concern for me due to this situation. She has commented I'm a little crazy, emotionally detached, confused, not eating or sleeping. This can't go on too much longer, or at least I hope not!

So I will continue my quest to make sense of something that doesn't make sense to begin with.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jeffrey, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you are struggling. It also seems clear that you need to get out of this relationship. From what you've written, I cannot see any benefit, and a lot of damage.

You will find a set of recommendations specifically designed for someone in your situation on this page. Follow all of these recommendations, and you may be able to let go, move on and start creating a life for yourself.

I think you love this person more than you love yourself. That will never work. You have to start eating and taking care of yourself, or you will only go downhill. Consider getting these cds on self esteem, and listen to them daily until you start believing what they say.

If you don't take care of yourself, Jeffrey, no one can or will. It's up to you.

Believe in yourself, and start taking steps to get yourself healthy.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Dec 28, 2011
You need to shift the focus on yourself
by: Anonymous

Hello Jeffery, I am very sorry to hear that you are suffering so badly. No one deserves to be treated this way. It is only you that can decide when you want to be treated fairly.

I hear "you can't go on or at least hope not to for much longer". This concerns me greatly. If you are having obsessive thoughts of self harm and are planning how to do this, GET TO YOUR NEAREST HOSPITAL MENTAL HEALTH UNIT IMMEDIATELY.

If you are having occasional fleeting thoughts of self harm you need to monitor the intensity and frequency to act as above without delay if becomes obsessive and you start to plan.

I really feel that you need to shift the focus of your situation to yourself. A therapist would be a good start. Focus on how you are going to survive this relationship and gain some control of your own life before you begin to deal with the trauma of unraveling the betrayal, deceit and hurt that has become forefront in your life.

Starting to move forward with yourself in mind first and get your emotions under control so you can start to think clearly where it is you want to go with your relationship.

I feel leaving your current situation without an adequate plan or tools or support could be very damaging.

Remember it is your thoughts that drive your actions. Get your thoughts straight and appropriate actions will follow. This is your life and you are in the drivers seat. So at the end of the day you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and what you will accept from others in your life.

I wish you all the best in attaining fulfillment and happiness. Georgia

Sep 30, 2011
In Response
by: Anonymous

Jeffery, there are 2 sides to your story as we know there always is in things of this nature. I suggest you confront this person. We all need to say what we need too. To clear our minds and be able to mend things or go on with our lives. You don"t want to bring all the hurt into the next and maybe just maybe this person was the right one for you and her, the what if!! The communication, the lack of it as it sounds. If you both talk honestly now and admit everything to each other and to either want to be with each other at this point or not. But truly open up and be true to one another. I would put money on it that you both will feel much better if you both talk openly about the issues at hand. Someone that great to me would be worth the last effort.
Sincerely, a concerned person

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